Life Post Chemo (One Month)

It has been awhile since I posted an update, so here we go...an update about life a little over a month post chemo!

It has been a very busy couple of weeks for me! A good busy though, and I am thankful to once again be leaving the house and getting to go places!

We had a little snowstorm last almost two weeks ago. We got ice and some snow, which was fun. I love snow days and I totally embraced them! I stayed inside and baked. I took Stanley out in the snow and he LOVED it! Not surprising, as the dog seems to love everything, but it was so cute! It is gonna be 67 tomorrow, so we will see if we get anymore winter weather this year!

I have been keeping busy!! I have been doing tons of errands. I am happy to say that I have reestablished my presence at Target. I have cleaned my room and gotten it back to how it "should" be. I did have to go get a new comforter as we had taken mine off and when I went to put it back on, it did not look nice. I know it is risky to have a white comforter, but I love it! I like my new one even better so all is well. It is nice to feel like my room is mine again and not my sick room!

I have been spending LOTS of time in the 2nd grade class! I love it and it makes me so excited for the future. I am not getting credit for school, but I do have to complete a project for my children's lit class. I forgot how exhausting it is to wake up early and jump into action! I love having a reason to get up and get dressed though. Plus, I am done by 2 so I still have a day once I finish. It is so much fun to be around kids again! I was worried about how they would react to my hair, but the kids have been so sweet. Everyone has really. I am thankful to have the opportunity to do this! It is such good experience and will definitely look good, even if I do not get credit for completing a practicum.

Speaking of my hair, it is coming in! I put on my shorts for PT the other day and it occurred to me that I should probably shave my legs..I haven't shaved since my surgery in August. I hate it, but it is one of those normal things I am happy to have back. My head is super fuzzy and you can definitely see it. I am waiting for coverage and cannot wait till you cannot see my scalp! I also have baby eyebrows and eye lashes!! PRAISE! I cannot WAIT till they are back full time. It is exciting to see it all come in! I have even started using conditioner in the shower!

I apologize for the super awkward pictures, but I wanted to illustrate haha! 

I also babysat for the first time since the summer last night! It is exciting to be at the point where not only can I take care of myself, I can now also take care of other people! I have missed it. I remember wondering if I would ever get back to that, and I am so happy to say I have.

I am still doing PT 2 to 3 times a week. I can see the improvements. I am walking so much better! Not 100%, but we are getting there. My leg hurts if I am on it all day, which I have been lately, but it is not gonna get better without some pain! I do look forward to the day my leg feels "normal" again. I know it will happen eventually!

Other than PT, I have stayed out of doctors offices! It is so weird, but nice, to not being at the doctors once a week. I did get my port flushed and my lupron injection last week. I do not think I will be back 

at the Cancer Center till the end of the month for my next flush and shot! 

I had an awesome 21st! My mom and I went out to brunch on Friday, where I had my first legal drink (a mimosa!). We did some shopping, then my family and I went to a fancy dinner that night. We splurged and ate and it was SO good! I tried wine and a cordial, but was not a fan of either. I may be the lamest 21 year old ever! I do plan to keep trying things though, I will acquire the taste!

Saturday, I knew one of my best friends was picking me up for dinner. She and I had made plans like earlier that week. What I did not know was that two of my other best friends had come home from Columbia to surprise me!! I walked into the restaurant and they were already at the booth! I am not often surprised (I am nosy), but I literally almost cried. We missed my other best friend who is in Scotland studying abroad. It was a lovely night and I was SOOOOOOOOO happy to get to celebrate with my friends. I had been so bummed about not seeing them and it meant the world that they drove up to celebrate! We enjoyed dinner then went to the Melting Pot for dessert. I am so unbelievably thankful for my friends! 

I believe I mentioned the drama with my license on my last post. Well, it turns out they cannot renew it because my eye exam is out of date. When we mailed the paperwork to renew it in the first time (back in December!), it was not. My chemo doctor told me not to get an eye exam until later this spring because chemo can mess with your eye site (it relaxes muscles or something). Problem is, insurance only covers one eye exam a year, so needless to say, this is quite an ordeal. We are hoping the eye doctor can do something that is not a full exam, just to satisfy the DMV. I personally find this ridiculous. I cannot be the only person who has had an issue like this! Nothing can ever just be easy! I am thankful, however, that this is now my biggest problem!

So, all in all, things are good. I feel great and am going and doing. I do get tired a bit more easily, so I sleep really well at night. I love bedtime! 

Life is resuming a version of normal and I am so thankful. Sometimes I read over old posts and am amazed at how far I have managed to come. I am so thankful! Life is not perfect, but it is good and I will never take it for granted again! I will say it is frustrating to feel so good, because I feel like I may overdo it some days. I want to go and do so much, but I have to pull back and remember that I still have recovering to do. It is all about balance and I am working to find what that means for me. 

The boys!

New bedding! No longer a "sick" bed

Birthday Pictures 2016!

first legal drink with friends!

Stanley and I took a trip to Petsmart to get him some low-fat food! The vet was not happy with his weight gain...I think he is perfect :). He loved the pet store, he was just mad I made him stay in the cart!

First legal drink!

I do not think this is a gross picture, but I thought I would post a picture of my scar, for documentation sake. I have shown people and they are surprised by how long it is! I do not love it and it will be interesting to see how it affects me once shorts are back in, but it could be so much worse so I will take it! It really doesn't look bad considering what was done!

The Big 2-1

Well, as of tomorrow (Friday the 29th) at 1:15pm I will no longer be 20 years old.

I am a big lover of birthdays. I love my own birthday almost as much as I love other people's birthdays. I think everyone should feel special every minute of their day. I love to decorate for parties and surprise people. Birthdays only come once a year and I am a total believer in celebrating as much as possible!

Needless to say, I am not spending my 21st birthday the way I imagined. I remember thinking about how cool it was that this birthday happened to fall on a Friday. Not that I ever planned to go out and party super hard, but I probably would have gone out with some friends to do some celebrating. Instead, I will go out with my mom for brunch and then my family and I are going to a nice dinner. I am just as happy to do that, it just wasn't what I had planned (but what about this past year was really ha!). I am still hoping for a fun day and a nice weekend. 

I have had some awesome birthdays the last few years. Two years ago (my first birthday at school), it snowed and classes were canceled! It was nice to have the day off and we braved the roads that night and went out for dinner. Last year was probably one of my favorite birthdays ever. My friends made it SO special from the second I woke up (literally one of my best friends stopped by my apartment on her way to class that morning and put balloons all over my floor and left me pancakes!) till the second I went to sleep. It was awesome. I am really, really, really going to miss them tomorrow. 

I can't type this post without some reflection of my 20th year. Not my favorite year to say the least. I experienced a lot and I think I really grew some as a person. I am kind mad I got somewhat robbed of my year, if I am being honest. I feel like I want a redo of being 20. It is kinda funny because I do not usually dread birthdays or getting older, but for some reason I had a hard time with 20. Maybe subconsciously somewhere I knew it was not going to be my best year? I don't know, but I feel a lot better about 21! 

On another note, my birthday last year was one of the last memories that sticks out before everything happened. I still have all the pictures we took on my phone because I just couldn't delete them. I had that we are getting into the "last year at this time" phase of this journey, but we are. It makes me sad, but also relieved to not be there. Just as everything so far has been, it is a weird feeling. 

So, I won't be celebrating my 21st like most people do. I spent enough time nauseous and dizzy these last ten months anyway ;)! I am still excited to turn 21. I have decided that turning 22 will actually be better (not just because the Taylor Swift song says so), but because all my friends will be of age by then. The majority of my close friends are not yet 21, so I think the real celebration will be next year anyway! 

Of course, my license expires tomorrow as well. This would happen the year I have NO HAIR on my birthday! At first they were going to make me take a new picture, but we found a nice lady when we called the DMV who agreed that would be ridiculous. Instead, I will be getting another five year license with my same picture on it. So yes, my 16 year old self will be on my license till I am 26! Just a small thing that is not something many would think about, but I had to! 

Speaking of hair, all I really want for my birthday is a bit more coverage and my eyebrows and eyelashes back! I have some baby hairs coming in and my head is fuzzy, but I would really like my head to be covered! Plus it is cold! 

So *cheers* to 21. May it be filled with fun and friends and NO hospital visits or sickness! I feel like I should have some deeper thoughts on this subject, but I spent all day in the second grade class I am working with so I am exhausted! Maybe I will have some more thoughts after I get some sleep! 

Obviously the Bachelor drama isn't enough to keep Stanley's attention.

Not the best picture, but he fell asleep like that! In my arms! I was so happy!

I love everything about this picture

This is his "seriously a button up shirt AND a bow tie?" face

:)

Just thought I would include some pictures from my birthday dinner last year! I hope to have hair that long again soon!

A List of Advice I am Sharing

Full disclaimer for this post before I go any further:

I truly debated whether or not I would actually post something like this, but several people encouraged me to just do it! I just want to say that this is from MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE and OPINION. I did not title this post "what people with cancer do not want to hear" specifically because I do not know what other cancer patients do not want to hear. I only know from my own experience going through what I did. I also 100% do not mean to call anyone out or offend anyone at all! I honestly have no specific incidents in mind for any of this, just simply looking at things overall. I know I have definitely said or done some of these things before I went through this. This post is NOT meant to make anyone feel bad or apologize (mainly because if you had done one of these things I probably do not even remember so no need to bring it up again ;) ). I totally understand it can be hard to know what to do or say. I really do get that everything is said with good intentions. I hope you read this post with humor and understanding :).

Moving on!

In no particular order, here is my list of "guidelines" for people who know someone with cancer:

1. "There's a reason for this", "everything happens for a reason"", "maybe you can help someone else in the future", etc you get the gist. Listen, I used to believe the everything happens for a reason quote. I still kinda do. BUT that is so not what I wanna hear while lying in the hospital bed waiting for chemo. Whether true or not, it is hard to focus on those things while sitting in the chemo clinic while all your regular college aged friends are ya know AT COLLEGE where you used to be. I LOVE helping people. I have always liked the idea of being able to help someone (fits my teacher persona). I am happy I can help people down the road, but going through what I did simply for the reason of maybe being able to help someone down the road was not all that convincing at the time. "You have mouth sores so bad you are in ICU, but don't worry because down the road you can help someone!". See how that just doesn't work? I know those words come with love, but maybe just keep them in your head!  Or feel free to share if you know what the reason is or how I will help someone! That would have been better to hear :).

2. Please do not tell me what I should or need to be doing. Unless you are one of my doctors, I do not really care to hear what YOU believe I need to be doing/eating/drinking. You get cancer and all of a sudden everyone is a doctor! I am open to tips and suggestions, for sure. I learned and used a lot of extremely helpful things by people suggesting them to me. If you approach it in a way where it comes off like you are telling me what to do, I do not appreciate that. Instead, try "I suggest blah blah blah" or "You could try blah blah blah". I consider myself pretty open minded and I am always down to hear what people have to say, just don't boss me around unless you are being paid to ;).

3. Along that same line, I truly do consider myself open to hearing about pretty much anything (unless you are trying to tell me why Trump would make a good president...then I would block my ears and run away). I am not a "crunchy" lets all hold hands and sing kumbaya kind of person. I trust modern medicine and I like gluten. I do like to use natural type products when I can, but that Tom's brand deodorant gave me a terrible reaction, so I will stick to my Secret, even if it isn't made from only soap and lavender essential oils.  If you wanna tell me your theory on how to cure cancer, I am all ears. I will smile and nod politely, like I often do when my mom launches into a long story, but in my head I am probably thinking about Harry Styles. If you want to tell me how your sister's best friend's mom's hairdresser's nephew's girlfriend cured her cancer with some special leaf that is only found in the remote forests of South America, I will listen happily and celebrate the success. I can remain polite and think you are totally crazy (kidding!). I know it is said with good intentions, and I appreciate that (plus I like to learn knew things), but I trust my oncologist and surgeon 100%. They are some of the smartest people I know. I truly do not see how anyone who has personal experience in oncology would believe that "cancer is a business" and they are holding out on curing it so people can continue to make money. I am pretty sure most doctors with a heart would much rather be slightly more poor instead of delivering the news they do each day. If that is your opinion that is fine, but please do not share that with me!

4. "Keeping fighting!" or "stay strong!"...like as opposed to what? What am I gonna do just stop? I know those are common tag lines, and I get it, but seriously who thought of those? First off, I never really felt like I was "fighting". It wasn't like I could feel the chemo and cancer cells having a wrestling match in my body. I am not sure I totally like the word fighting at all, but whatever. I just never got that saying because I wasn't going to just "stop fighting". Did I want to? Absolutely, but "keep fighting" does not mean much to me.

5. Say SOMETHING! Honestly, I totally understand that it is extremely hard to know what to say in tough situations. You do not want to say the wrong thing or maybe you don't want to insert yourself in a situation where you stand on the outside of the circle. I totally 100% understand. I get super awkward when I am put in unfortunate situations. I personally have found that I was happy to hear ANYTHING from ANYONE over the course of my treatment. It is so easy now, in these days especially. I am not expecting page long messages from anyone, but a simple "thinking of you" or "hope it is going well" every once in awhile means more than you know. Even if I don't answer, I just enjoyed hearing from people. Don't worry if you haven't talked in years or weren't close. It just means a lot to know people are thinking of you. I have heard differing opinions on this...that those who are not close do not want to seem like they are inserting themselves, but I can promise that from my POV, it would not be like that. I like to hear SOMETHING over nothing at all!

6. I pray I do not come off sounding ungrateful after writing this, as that is SO not my intention! I want to share my experience, so that is what I am doing. I have been SO INCREDIBLY blessed to receive SO many kind gifts from SO many people. I did a terrible job with thank you notes (in fact, I just found a stack that never got addressed...PLEASE forgive me). I am grateful for everything I received as it truly cheered me up. So, here is my word of advice: The beginning days of this (back in March and April) were SO overwhelming. I was overwhelmed with the news, with telling people, figuring out a plan, etc. I received so many gifts at the beginning, it too became overwhelming. I was also extremely lucky in that I received the occasional package here and there throughout  treatment, but I wish the beginning gifts had been more spread out. PLEASE do not hear this the wrong way! I totally get that when you get bad news people just want to do something to make it better. I understand that completely. I was so thankful that anyone spent their time and money and thought of me! I enjoyed getting packages, and I think it would have been cool to have them spread out. I know you cannot tell people when to get you things, but if you should find yourself knowing someone facing a diagnosis, maybe send a card or something small and send the package a few months down the line once things have calmed down. It makes your day to know people are thinking of you!

7. Do not be needy! And be forgiving! I felt I did an okay job of keeping everyone updated on things. I did this to avoid having to send a million personal calls, emails, texts, etc. If the information is out there, do your best to find it. Don't require or make the person feel bad if they do not answer your texts! I am not talking about forgiving bad behavior or unforgivable things, but do not hold it against me if I miss your call or do not answer your message or do not want to visit that day. I sometimes get an overwhelming amount of messages. I read them all and think "oh yeah I need to reply", then I get distracted. I did a good job of this earlier, but lately I have gotten lazy! I have texts I never answered that I need to and I have done a terrible job of responding on Facebook! Please forgive me! (and do not be surprised if you get some notifications that I responded to you on old posts!). I truly read every message and appreciate them more than words!

8. Please do not start a conversation with me and then proceed to tell me all about all your family members who have died of cancer. Cancer is a terrible disease, and yes, sometimes people die from it. That is a fact that no one is oblivious to. However, while in the midst of cancer treatment, I do not want to hear all about your grandma who died of this cancer or your cousin who died of that one. I am deeply sorry and will give you my condolences, but that is just not something I want to hear about. That was their story and my story is my story. Cancer sucks, but I have a positive outlook and would like to talk about other things :).

9. Do not stare at me in the store!!!!! If you are curious or want to know, just ask! I know it is not a "normal" situation, but please do not stare at me. I get kids do, but they are young and are still learning. There is no excuse for the adults in stores I go into to stare at me. I will happily talk to you about my experience and raise awareness. I really want to carry around cards to hand out to people that I catch staring. If you are going to stare, at least smile! Humph...some people!

10. Do not stop sharing your life with me!!! I am happy to hear about your life. I know it may seem awkward because you don't want to sound like you are complaining or whatever, but I always like to stay connected! Just because I have cancer doesn't mean I can't sympathize your problems with you. Just do not try to make it sound like writing a paper is as bad as mouth sores or chemo and we will be fine :)!


I think that is it for today! Should I come up with more, I will add a part two!  My next post will have to be on what I learned through this experience, so we can all share in our learning together! I hope you can find pieces of this post that are helpful. I will be happy to share my experience or answer any questions should you ever have any!! All in all, I am truly blessed with EXCELLENT people in my life. It made going through this crappy ordeal so, so, so much easier!

All the love to all of you!

Cancer Free...Now What?

As of today, January 13, 2016, I am officially CANCER FREE!

I had a bone scan and a CT scan on Monday. We met with my doctor this afternoon and learned that (thankfully...so thankfully) the scans were CLEAR! 

My doctor walked in the room and the first words out of his mouth were "looks great!"! Then we high fived and he had to leave to take a phone call, so we got to process the info. While there was no reason to think that anything would show up, you truly never know. I had peace about it, but then would "go there" so it has been a long 3 days. I am excited that I can actually breathe and sleep tonight!! It is SUCH a weight off. I am more grateful than words can say.

So, now you may be wondering what comes next. While my role in the cancer world is now a lot smaller, I will never completely be out.

I will be scanned every 3 months for the first year (the bone and CT scan). Assuming those are all good, I will then move to be scanned every 6 months for the second and third year. After that, it becomes annually. My next set of scans will be in April!

I still have my port. My doctor recommends keeping it in for 6 months just incase I should ever need fluids or something. He said it truly is up to me, but I see no reason to rush it out. It will be another small procedure, so I would rather focus on feeling good and getting back on my feet anyway! Plus, winter clothes do a nice job of covering it! I don't really mind covering it up, but I do not love how it looks with tank tops. I may consider asking him if it is okay to take it out when it starts to warm up and tank tops become a thing again! In the meantime, it isn't bothering me so I will just leave it.

The port does have to be flushed every 6 weeks or so just to make sure it stays clean and doesn't become a source of infection. This will require a super quick visit to the clinic. I also will continue to get my lupron injections till at least March. This also requires a trip to the clinic, so I can hopefully do both these things on one visit! 

So while I won't be going to the clinic as often or for treatment, I will still be spending some time there! I am okay with that though. I have made a lot of friends there and I will be excited for them to see me well!

Like I said above, my next office visit/scans will be in April. It will be SO weird to not see my doctor for that long!! A good weird though, for sure. 

Until then, I will still be busy!! I am taking one online course this semester. I start PT back up on Monday. I am currently scheduled for three days a week through early February, but that could change. My doctor said today he isn't even sure what the PT will do to me! I still walk slowly and with a bit of a limp, but it has come so far! I think it will be good still just to strengthen it a bit more. I would like to be able to walk fast/run again at some point! 

I have my trimonthly (is that a thing?) ECHO on Tuesday. Assuming all is well, I will have one more this summer. One of the chemo drugs can cause issues months later, so they do one 6 months after you finish chemo. Hopefully all is still good there!

I have always been lucky to know and keep in touch with lots of teachers. One of them is my brother's kindergarten teacher/my old boss/my mom's friend. She teaches at one of the local elementary schools and has offered me to come volunteer in her class! I don't get any credit for school, but look forward to it as something to do! I plan to start as soon as I have a bit more hair on my head...just to avoid having to answer a million kids' questions (shallow I know, but hey I know how kids are!). 

I will also be spending some MUCH needed time with the sweet kids I usually nanny in the summer! We have A LOT of time to make up for and I am SO excited!! I saw them last week for the first time since November and the little girl said "I am glad you are back!!!!". Me too, me too.

I also have some ideas of things I would like to do to contribute to the world of young adult cancer. I have big ideas, just need to figure out how to execute them! I have said all along that I want to make something good come of this. There was just too much suffering for there not to be good.

Other than that, there are a few little trips my mom and I would like to take. I really just plan on embracing FEELING GOOD and being free of doctors or worries about counts. I have to remember what it is like to be a well person again! It may take some time, but I am excited to have the chance!!  I am also SO excited for my hair to be coming in! My head is pretty fuzzy, but doesn't cover yet. I am waiting for my eyebrows and eyelashes to return...I am not a fan of my face without them!

I feel like I can actually celebrate now. The end of chemo doesn't mean anything if the scans are not good, but now I know they are so we can celebrate! My family and I are going out to dinner tomorrow and then who knows what else I will do. My birthday (21st!) Is in 2 weeks so that is exciting too.

I did errands by myself for the first time since the summer last week! I am also back to driving around. It feels SO good to have that back. Little by little, normal is coming back.

I am not gonna lie, I was totally terrified to find out the scan results today. I don't think that feeling will ever go away. I have no reason to ever think anything, but you seriously just never know. I got a bit sad last night thinking about how this is my life now. I do not wanna have to stress like that about whether this cancer could return. I am so scared I will get used to normal, only to have it ripped away again. I want my old life back...the one where I did not have to worry about scans. I hope this feeling gets better with time, it wouldn't surprise me if it does. 

I am so so so thankful to have gotten good news today (and all along really). I know there are so many who don't get good news, and I do not take it for granted. I was so prepared to hear anything at all today. My thoughts and prayers continue to go to all the people who are going through this awful disease. It truly sucks and is so unfair. I will never understand why some have it so much worse than others. I hope that everyone gets their "January 13ths" and that those that don't have peace. Cancer still sucks! 

I also hope and pray for many more days like today for me. May I feel this relieved after every scan result! 

Thank you so much for all the love and support over these last almost ten months. We truly would not have made it without you. I hope you will still keep up here and please let me know if you ever need anything. 

I will end with words I have waited since March 16 to say:

I AM CANCER FREE. I BEAT CANCER. I AM A CANCER SURVIVOR.  

So much love to you all!

Wrapping up 2015

On March 16, 2015, only three months into the year, I wanted the year to be over.

Here we are, NYE 2015 and I am not sure how to properly say goodbye to 2015.

2015 was a lot of things. It was hard. It was sad. It was difficult. It was challenging. It was happy. It was bittersweet. It was good. It was bad. 

If I had to pick one word to describe 2015 it would be defining. This was a defining year for me. Obviously my diagnosis and the way it has changed my life is pretty upsetting, but I would not call this the worst year of my life. I mean, I am still here, still standing (a bit more wobbly than before but standing), and I am looking into a year that only holds good things. 

I learned a lot of things this year. Some were things I could have done without, but they came with the territory so I learned them. I am not the same person I was when 2015 started. That fact is both good and bad, but also a little sad. 

I see pictures from last NYE and it is crazy to think about all I had coming. It almost scares me in a way that the same could be said for this coming year, but I refuse to go there. I truly believe 2016 will be good. Not every moment, but I believe there is good to be had. 

I am not sure why this year happened to me. I kind of want a chance to redo it! I honestly cannot believe all that I went through this year. If someone had told me last year at this time that I would spend the majority of the next year fighting cancer, I would have lost it. At the time, that was my worst nightmare. It isn't anymore. For someone who spent the majority of their life extremely healthy, I feel like I conquered this year quite well. It takes less to scare me now. 

2015 will forever be the year marked by cancer. I don't think there is any escaping that, but there were also good things buried throughout the year. I met some awesome new people who I hope will continue to be my friends. My friends and I were able to do several little trips we had always talked about. I lost some weight (hopefully all you reading this have a sense of humor). I got to be home for my brother's senior year which was unexpected, but ended up being a good thing. I still got to take a little road trip with my mom and see One Direction. I had a really awesome 20th birthday all the way back in January. I got to see my aunt and/or some cousins just about every month after I was diagnosed. I got to see and experience first hand how kind people can be.  I got to see Amy Schumer. Probably the year's biggest highlight was getting Stanley!!! It may sound weird or pathetic, but that little dog did so much for me mentally. It sounds so cheesy, but he really brought so much happiness and laughter to me and my family. I am so thankful for him!

I am sure that I could list more, but you get the point. I would not have gotten this far without my family and all of you. I do want to especially list my mom. She has not left my side (literally) these last 9 months. She spent every night in the hospital with me and never complained when I asked her to get me food. She has done so much for me. I truly would not have gotten through any of this without her. 

I have a lot of hope and peace for 2016. 16 has always been my favorite number. I am not gonna say my family deserves a break because I don't believe that is how it works, but if it is then DO YOU HEAR ME UNIVERSE? I am hopeful that next NYE I will be back to celebrating with my friends in a cute outfit with hair on my head. May 2016 be filled with hair, plenty of eating, and NO hospital visits! As the poster some of my favorite people gave me last Tuesday says: the best is yet to come. I truly believe that. For all of us. 

So peace out 2015. You certainly left your mark but it is time for you to go. Far away. *insert door slamming noise*. 

I wish all of you a very happy and safe NYE! May your 2016 be filled with much love, hope, and good health. 

Ho, Ho, Ho, I am DONE With Chemo

Where to even start?

I have sat down multiple times to try to figure out what exactly I wanted to say. I am still not sure I am 100% there, but I figured I would give it a shot. 

Many of you are probably expecting to hear how I celebrated being done with chemo. Maybe I threw some big party or had a bunch of friends over. Maybe we had some fancy dinner.

The truth is?

I came home Tuesday and had a mental breakdown and then went to sleep. Not as exciting as you probably expected!

Backing up just a bit, Tuesday was a very, very exciting day. I am not disregarding that fact at all. I am SO INCREDIBLY happy to be done, I don't think I can emphasize that enough. We got to the clinic around 9 and the last push of chemo was done by 10 after 11. I got to ring the "all done" bell. Twice actually. Apparently, the nurses did not think I rang it with enough gusto the first time! 

The head nurse (I don't exactly know her title, but she does all the coordinating and planning aka the hard stuff) gave me the biggest hug and cried. We ADORE her and we definitely would not have made it through this experience without her. It was extremely touching to see all this people be so happy for me. Of course, I am not leaving you guys out either! All the messages I recieved made my day! I did a terribly crappy job of responding, but I read them all. It is so much more exciting to have good news when you have people to share it with! 

After we left the clinic, my mom and I did go to lunch and CVS. I bought a new mascara in preparation for my eyelashes to come back (!!!!!!!) since I haven't worn any in months. It is extremely exciting to think of stuff like that now!

Once we got home, I went a little crazy. I think it was a mixture of so many emotions and exhaustion. It felt like all the emotions of the last 9 months erupted. I haven't had a freak out like that in a long time. I finally just took some nausea stuff and fell asleep. 

This may be hard to understand unless you too have experienced it, but there are just so many emotions that come with treatment ending. Obviously I am more thankful than words can express, but it is also overwhelming. I did not want to enter the cancer world, but I did and now I am not sure where to go. For nine months I have had people telling me what to do and where to go, so to be able to look ahead and not have that is (good), but also scary. I am not going back to my "old" life. Sure, I will definitely get back many aspects of it, but it won't be the same. I was and will be determined to not let cancer define me, but I can't just totally forget it happened. I have to figure out a "new/old" normal. I know I will, it is just going to take some time. 

I don't think it has hit me yet that it is over. I am still dealing with residual side effects from the last few rounds. My hair is coming in, but it isn't obvious. I didn't leave the clinic on Tuesday and automatically resume my old life. I don't think it will hit me till like February that it is over. Just like we couldn't snap in to the cancer world, we can't just snap out of it either. My body doesn't know it is not about to be bombarded with more chemo, so I am still feeling it. It will be awhile before I feel "normal". So, I am closing the chapter on treatment, but not on cancer entirely. 

January will most likely be a month of recovering. I don't think I ever mentioned it, but I am not returning to school. Originally that was all I wanted, but I quickly realized that it wasn't super realistic. I will be taking another online course and may try to get to Columbia later in the spring to finish up some incompletes. Instead, I have plans to find a therapist to talk about everything with. I kind of bottled up all my emotions just to get through this process, but now they are spilling out and I am not above denying my need for help dealing with them. I also already have PT appointments 3 days a week starting in mid-January. While I have made HUGE strides with walking, I still have quite a bit of work to do. I am not sure what my schedule of doctors appointments will be now. I have scans the second week of January and then an appointment following, but I am not sure what happens after that. I have my regular weekly appointment tomorrow, so we may find out then. 

I think a lot of people expect that our lives are back to where we left them in March. That is not the case. Yet anyway. I am not saying we will never get there, but it is going to take time. We have to figure out how to navigate the post cancer world. Of course, my family and I would not have made it this far alone, so thank you (those words seem so small in the scheme of things) for walking along side us this long. I hope you will continue to do so! As for this blog, I have no plans of stopping writing. Clearly I already did a poor job of keeping it updated, but I have lots of thoughts and will need a place to write them. Maybe I will write more now that I will actually have some energy!

I feel like there is tons more to say, but I will save that for another day. Chemo is going out with a bang, so I have felt the last few days feeling kinda crappy. Please excuse any typos in this post....I have been taking Phenergen and am currently inbetween naps! I hope you all had a lovely Christmas! I had a nice one...just a relaxing day on the couch doing nothing. I hate when the holiday season is over! 

Thank you once again for everything. I am so thankful to be on the road to recovery, no matter how long that road is. I hope you will continue to keep everyone battling in your thoughts and prayers. So many are suffering. Cancer is a horrible, terrible disease. I don't know why I had to go through what I have (still cannot even believe it some days), but I want something good to come of it. I have big ideas, just have to figure out how to execute them! 

Sending you all so much love! 

First and last chemo!

Last time leaving the hospital!

First and last inpatient chemo!

Stanley and I on Christmas!

An Updated Thoughts and Feelings

As one can probably imagine, I have tons of emotions regarding the end of my treatment being so near (as in tomorrow). Unless you yourself have experienced this, I am not sure you will understand. I will do my best to share how I feel but, it is definitely complicated.

If you were to look in my brain right now, my thoughts probably look something like this:

**Hooray I finish chemo! I will be able to eat! And brush my teeth! And this will stop hurting! And I will be able to go shopping! I miss shopping. I really want to lighten up my winter wardrobe. I seriously need to clean out my closet before I buy ANYTHING else. Once chemo is done I will have the energy to do that! I really just can't wait to eat. I will never take eating for granted again. How the heck is Christmas in a few days? I am not ready! I didn't even make a list or do any shopping. Probably good because I also haven't made any money since the summer. I miss babysitting. I cannot wait till this is over so I can babysit again. Mouth sores suck my mouth literally is in so much pain. I just want to eat but SO MUCH PAIN. OMG chemo ENDS tomorrow. What am I gonna do. I hope I don't get nauseous. I hope I have the energy to make cupcakes for the clinic people tomorrow. I also hope my mom remembers I want a cookie cake. MY HAIR IS GONNA COME BACK! Gosh cancer sucks so much. Are people really considering voting for Donald Trump? I am so tired. I hope I can walk normally again soon. GOSH my mouth hurts SO BAD. --insert some thought about how attractive Harry Styles is-Stanley is actually the cutest dog ever. We still need a pic of him in front of the tree in his Santa Suit. *already freaking out about scans in January* It is all gonna be good. This is gonna be OVER.  I hope I can work everything out with my school. -CHEMO AND CHRISTMAS!**

Anyway, that is a pretty good summary of my mind at the moment. So many emotions. Obviously, I am SO INCREDBLY BEYOND EXCITED that I get to ring the bell tomorrow and I pray that is the last bit of chemo that EVER enters my body. Once those final side effects are gone I cannot wait to feel like my body is mine again. It feels like it has been forever since March 16, but also in a way it has gone by fast. I am so thankful that I get to be DONE. I just have to figure out where I fit in in the world now.

You see, I am going back to "normal", but it is not the normal I was used to. My mom and I were talking and she put it in a smart way. Before this cancer thing, my biggest thing was a math test. That math test is long over. The world has moved on since March 16, as it should have, I just don't know where I am going back to. I obviously am not going back to March 15. I know I will figure it out, but it is also a little scary. 

Obviously January is going to be a lot of recovery, follow up appts, etc. The world after treatment seems a bit scary! I have had people telling me what to do or where to show up for 9 months and now I will be back on my own. I know I can do it, but the idea is scary. Plus, I have a feeling for awhile every pain or weird thing will freak me out. I know that is normal, but now it is so easy to blame on chemo. My eyes are doing weird things-oh must just be chemo. My skin is really dry-must be chemo. I'm not hungry-must be chemo. What happens when it ISN'T chemo????  It is kinda crazy to think about. You get so immersed in this world (that I thought was scary to join), but now I am kinda scared to leave.

Everyone keeps asking me if I am doing anything to celebrate. At first, I wanted to have a big party, but I am not so sure now. I don't have any plans at all for tomorrow actually. I cannot guarantee how I am going to feel, so I didn't wanna plan anything anyway. Last time I got my outpatient drugs, I actually felt great, but that could change this time. I also feel like it is something that isn't gonna hit me right away. I feel like I am gonna wake up one day in January and then it will hit me. Maybe then I will throw a party or something. I told my mom as soon as my mouth doesn't hurt and I am not nauseous I would like to go out to eat. I also told her I wanted a cookie cake. This is something totally worth celebrating though, so I am sure I will figure something out. 

So this is kind of where my head is at lately. Such a mix of emotions! I am sure I will write more about this as the words come to me. 

I will say leaving the hospital was a lot harder than I thought! Obviously, I could not have been happier to get to leave there for the LAST time, but it was so hard to say bye to all the nurses. I had such awesome nurses and I really love them! I will miss them, but have promise to come visit with snacks! I just hope to never ever be a patient of theirs again (not because they aren't awesome, but you know what I mean). They were all so happy for me which was great to see. I have made some truly awesome friends and I look forward to spending time with them, just outside hospital walls! 

I am sitting at the clinic currently, just waiting to get my chemo. My mouth is literally full of sores, which isn't fun. I just want to eat!! I am praying they go away ASAP and that I never have to deal with them ever again! My mom and I went to see Amy Schumer in Charlotte on Saturday night. It was so fun and nice to be somewhere together that wasn't a hospital! She was hilarious...I could listen to her comedy set for hours! I really rallied though, despite my mouth hurting incredibly and my little hobble walk around the city. I am hoping this chemo doesn't knock me down too much, but have nothing on the calendar for the week! We usually go up north for Christmas, but obviously that isn't happening, so we don't have any plans! It is supposed to be 70, so I told my mom we are gonna turn close the blinds and turn on the heat and pretend it is actually cold! 

I hope you all have a WONDERFUL Christmas Holiday!! If you think about it, please keep everyone fighting cancer in your prayers this holiday. I am SO lucky to be celebrating, but so many others are not. So many are in such awful situations or just stuck in the hospital for Christmas. Cancer is so cruel. I will never understand it. Cancer won't take off just cus it is a holiday. Thank you so much! 

Thank you for all the continued thoughts and prayers! I hope you will keep them up...just cus chemo is over doesn't mean everything just ends. I will still have a lot to deal with emotionally, physically, and mentally. The hardest part will be over, but the road doesn't won't just end! 

Merry, Merry, Christmas to all of you! Sending you so much love! Next time I post I will be DONE with chemo! :)

Never posted about Thanksgiving! We had a FANTASTIC holiday! I as up more on Thanksgiving than I had been in like 9 months haha! But I felt so good and was so happy to have my family here. And look at Stanley and Otto in their matching sweaters :)

Stanley and I went Christmas tree shopping!

LAST METHOTREXATE COMPLETE! Woo! 

Just for comparison, my first High Dose Methotrexate on the left and my LAST on the right :)