I am Thankful

Again, in no particular order and not limited to:

I am thankful for modern medicine.

I am thankful for nausea meds and magic mouthwash.

I am thankful for family that has also turned their own lives upside down to get me through this.

I am thankful for great nurses and doctors.

I am thankful the scar on my leg really isn't that bad.

I am thankful to live in an area that has a good hospital system that is playing a large role in the cancer world.

I am thankful for friends and their sweet messages.

I am thankful for my dogs.

I am thankful this treatment will end. Some cancers require years of treatment.

I am thankful I don't have to spend countless months or weeks in the hospital. Really a few days is nothing. 

I am thankful to be able to eat what I can, when I can.

I am thankful my ability to walk WILL come back, it just isn't as fast as I'd like. 

I am thankful for my own bed.

I am thankful for a mom who (among hundreds of other things) stays with me in the hospital.

I am thankful for funny TV shows.

I am thankful for online shopping ;).

I am thankful (understatement) that things have gone so well.

I am thankful for the opportunity to complete classes online.

I am thankful for hair that will grow back (and in the meantime...not having to shave!).

I am thankful for clean sheets.

I am thankful for cooler temperatures.

I am thankful for good days.

I am thankful one day this will all be a distant memory.

I am thankful for new days.

I am thankful that depsite all my bad days, I can usually come back and realize how lucky I am.

A bit premature for Thanksgiving, but I wanted to do a follow up to my last post. I know it may have been hard to read, so I just wanted to remind everyone that life is good and so am I. Do I still miss those things? Every damn day. But I don't spend everyday focusing on those things, or I try not to. I think my funk is lifting slowly. Some days I just have to let my feelings out, and sometimes I do that by writing. 

My mom and I had a long talk before bed the other night about all the things I've been thinking about. I felt better after talking. I had been keeping a lot in. I am sure I will discuss those things more upcoming. I will say, thinking of life when treatment ends is terrifying. I cannot wait, but figuring out how to put the pieces of my life back together is scary. I want normal more than anything, but I don't even know what normal will look like now. I have some time to figure it out, and I know that I will.

It has been rainy and cloudy here for almost a week with no end in site. I am OVER it. I like a cloudy day here and there, but this is too much. I need the rain to leave, but the cool temps to stay!! 

My hair started coming out again. While not unexpected and not as hard, it is still never fun to see your pillow covered with your hair. It didn't all come out last time so I'll be curious to see what happens now. I'm just hoping my eyebrows and eyelashes hold on as long as possible! I am happy this is the last time I will deal with this and look forward to it coming back for good!

I woke up the other day with a bad headcold. I am hoping it is on its way out now. I hate colds so much! Plus now we have to be so careful and make sure it doesn't cause a fever. On that note, it is that time of year where I should throw this out there. If you have been sick or been around someone who was, please wait till you are better to come see me! Chemo makes my counts drop and I really need to avoid getting sick as much as possible so things stay on schedule. Thank you in advance :). 

I don't really have anything exciting to say. I am hoping to leave the house tomorrow for the first time in weeks, even if it is just to get some Starbucks!! I've been eating as much as I can (which is not as much as my mom would like) since the methotrexate messes with my tastebuds. I am really praying my levels drop quickly so we can get a few days at home before going back. I am going to miss Stanley!! 

Thanks for all the love and prayers!! Ready to cross these next two treatments off my list!

I Miss

In no particular order:

I miss being able to get myself out of bed in the morning and go downstairs and get breakfast.

I miss being able to get dressed and get in my car and go to stores.

I miss Target.

I miss being able to go into the kitchen to get myself food.

I miss being able to walk, anywhere.

I miss being able to get up and down the stairs easily.

I miss having hair with any length.

I miss being able to take a normal shower.

I miss not having to worry about simple colds and low grade fevers.

I miss not having to go spend however many days in the hospital.

I miss not being exhausted (and I don't mean sleepy exhausted...I mean physically).

I miss not waking up in the middle of the night due to either leg pain or not being able to move it.

I miss not having the giant scar down the middle of my leg.

I miss being able to put the dogs out.

I miss my old appetite and tastebuds.

I miss shopping (of all kinds...especially grocery).

I miss being at school on my own.

I miss my friends. 

I miss our Friday night yogurt or Chipotle traditions.

I miss babysitting.

I miss not being nauseous 3/4 of the time.

I miss not having countless doctors appointments.

I miss not having a port in my chest.

I miss driving.

I miss being able to be helpful and independent. 

I miss my clothes fitting the way they should.

I miss it not being painful to brush my teeth.

I miss not having to use a walker or crutches or a wheelchair just to do simple daily tasks or go to a store.

I miss my old life.

I don't really mean this post to be depressing, but just honest. I've had an emtionally rough few days (I'm sure the gray, rainy weather doesn't help), and I've (stupidly) spent a lot of time thinking of all this. I've gotten some e-mails about school stuff and I think the season change in general is throwing me off. I just realized I missed the 6 month mark since diagnosis, which seems significant, but I was probably too nauseous to realize at the time. Half a year...I never knew time could pass so slowly yet so fast at the same time. I know I will get a lot of it back, but that thought currently doesn't help me. This too shall pass, I know. Each day is one day closer to the end, which does mean something.

Not to say there hasn't been any good these last few days, because there has. There always is and please don't think for a second I ever forget that. Like I have said before, I am good 99% of the time but I do have my 1% days. 

I have a doctors appointment and PT Wednesday then go into the hospital Thursday for my next round of chemo. Can't say I am looking forward to it, but hoping it is short lived and will be happy to cross it off. 

Thanks for all the love and prayers. Cancer sucks. I hope everyone has a great weekend!

Just for a smile to this post, here is Stanley in his new raincoat. He tolerates it...but he did cry in the rain before he had it!

Ramblings

These last few days have been rough.

I don't feel brave. Or strong. Or whatever other adjectives people have used to describe me these past months. While I appreciate the compliments, truth is, if you had seen me last night or a few days ago you may not have said those things.

Quite frankly, what I do feel is tired. I feel tired of being tired. I feel tired of the mouth pain and the nausea. I feel tired of not being able to walk easily and the leg pain. I am tired of not being able to drive. I am tired of the hassle that is going up and down the stairs. I'm so tired of it all. 

Last night was my first breakdown in awhile actually. My mouth pain just got so overwhelmingly (is that even a word?) awful and I broke down. I am either stuck in my room or downstairs on the couch, simply because I don't feel like putting the effort into the stairs. It is just hard. I am reallly struggling with why everyone else gets to be at school doing fun fall things while I am stuck here. It just isn't fair and it sucks, so I cried.

You know those people who say they wouldn't change how this went no matter how hard because of what it taught them? I call BS on those people. If someone had given me the choice of going through this or just not learning whatever I am supposed to be learning, I would not have picked this. I highly doubt next year at this time (when I pray this is all a distant memory), I will look back and be thankful for this experience. I will be thankful it will be done, but that's about it. Maybe I will feel differently, but currently I cannot imagine so. 

Honestly, this past round of chemo was not too terrible in the scheme of chemo. I had what I would consider mild nausea and I can count on one hand the number of times I got sick. I don't know if my body is just used to it or if we did a good job of staying on my medicine, whatever it was, I am grateful.

I did spike a little fever on Thursday night. It got to 100.8 and we are supposed to call if it is over 100.4. I was so scared they were gonna send me to the hospital, but thankfully my second favorite doctor was on call and we were instructed to start me on the antibiotic we keep at home and reevaluate in the morning. It was kind of up and down Friday, but never got any higher, so thankfully I was able to stay home. Who knows what it was. My brother had had a fever a few days before with a stomach thing, so that could have been it (even though we stayed separated!). I was just extremely grateful to not have to go into the hospital.

The mouth pain is the worst. While I don't have actual sores this round, I do have EXTREMELY bad mouth pain. My throat, gums, and tongue hurt so bad. It of course makes eating a huge struggle, and forget brushing my teeth. It is complete misery. It is slowly getting better, but I need it to GO AWAY. It is so frustrating to want to eat and not be able to. I cannot put how awful it is into words.

I am really struggling with having to go through all this so many more times. I know I am extremely lucky that this will end when it does and is a lot less than some people go through, but it still sucks. I hate chemo. There has just got to be a better way. Someone please figure it out.

On another note kind of, September is National Childhood Cancer Awareness Month. I don't know how many of you have seen this, so I have to give it a shoutout here (should probably have its own post, but I am not feeling  super inspired to write lately). Anyway, I am not pediatric, since I am over 18, but osteosarcoma is classified as a childhood cancer. Sarcoma in general is often the last to get research since it is so "rare" (BS if I can get it how "rare" is it?). Some of the facts are simply staggering. 

-The American Cancer Society gives one cent of every dollar raised to pediatric cancer research. While they do great things for other cancers, what about kids?? I honestly believe that a cure for one cancer would lead to cures for all kinds of cancers.

-7 kids a day die from cancer. 36 are diagnosed everyday.

-In the past 20 years only 2 new drugs have been approved for use in kids, both dealing with Leukima. In 2012 alone, 23 were approved for adults.

-Some childhood cancers are terminal simply upon diagnosis. 

(facts via unravelpediatriccancer.org via google)

I don't share these facts to make you sad, but something needs to change. To know that there are kids  and babies who have suffered in the way I have or worse breaks my heart into pieces. Can you imagine not even getting to be a kid? That is just so wrong. Little kids don't even know how to form how they feel and probably don't have the mental capacity to understand what is happening. They need help too. 

I feel like the young adult category is kind of brushed over in the cancer world. Not that there aren't great resources out there, but it is kind of an awkward spot to be in. I sit in the chemo infusion room and am the youngest person typically by a good 15-20 years. My ultimate dream would be to build a young adult outpatient treatment center. I imagine rooms with tvs, games, maybe even a coffee bar. I mean some people (like me) are there for 8 hours at a time. If I can figure out how to do this, I will. 

So that's kind of an update from here. Just trying to eat and stay out of the dark hole I sometimes crawl into. I know many of you may be wondering if I have reached out to any of the resources available. The answer is no. One of my doctors gave my number to a girl who went through what I am going through a few months ago. She called me, but I never called her back. For some reason, I feel like I need to forge forward by myself. I am sure it would be helpful, and I am certainly not against ever reaching out, but I haven't been able to bring myself to yet. 

I am typing this post on my iPad, which I ordered a keyboard for, so I honestly can't tell how long this post is, so I apologize if it is overly long. I also apologize for any typos...for some reason I am finding this keyboard extremely hard to type on.

I have PT tomorrow and I think next week then will be admitted to the hospital for Methotrexate I think next Thursday. I am on a Thursday/Friday schedule now, which kinda stinks, but I am so ready to be DONE I dont care when it happens.

I know this wasn't my most upbeat post, but such is reality sometimes. It is all still good, and I know that, but I still have my moments. I have never been one to rush time by, but if someone could knock mee out now till I finish, I would be a happy camper.

I hope you are all having lovely weeks! If nothing else One Direction released album info and a new song so that kind of made up for yesterday :). 

Good

Yes, it is another update in less than a week :)!

I had a very busy week! From going to doing absolutely nothing last week to having something everyday this week was quite an adjustment. Add that into the fact that most of my things this week were in the morning and I am not a morning person and you understand why I am so tired!

First off was the appointment with my surgeon, Dr. P. I am sure most of you have heard by now, but the meeting went fabulous. Since I am feeling tired and lazy (see above) I will post here what I posted on Facebook incase you haven't heard:

 "So as miserable as chemo is, it is all worth it because it is working! I met with my surgeon today and got my pathology report. They look for the tumor to be 90% dead and mine came back 87.2%! My surgeon said because it was so close it could just be statistical error or something like that! Because of this, I will most likely remain on my same chemo regime (which is good!). The tumor in the bone was 100% killed and the part outside was 87% killed and he got clear margins so it all was removed! Sorry this is so long just have to share the great news! I have an appointment with the chemo doctor Thursday and should start back next week or the following! Thanks so so much for all the love and prayers!"

As you can see, all went extremely well. I didn't realize how relieved I felt to have the news till I got it. I am so incredibly thankful that things are going so well. I don't take it for granted for a second. He also said that my incision was healing well and was surprised at my range of mobility for not having started PT yet. He uncovered the incision and it is actually a lot thinner than I expected. Once the steri-strips fall off it will look a lot less gross. I am free to keep it uncovered, but feel more comfortable when it is. I also got him to sign a paper so I can get a handicap pass. After being out these last few days, I realize how necessary it is for the time being, but I can't say I am also not excited to have it so parking is easier haha!

I was supposed to go to PT that afternoon, but ended up not feeling so good, so we cancelled and I slept.

Tuesday I ended up at my regular doctor because I had a bladder infection. I thought I had one last week so my surgeon called in an anti-biotic, but it never completely went away. I told my mom it was funny that I have all these doctors, but we no longer know what to do for a simple UTI. Anyway, I got the prescription for that and hopefully it clears up. (clearly my boundaries have changed because I have no trouble posting about my bladder for everyone to read).

Wednesday was my first day of PT. My PT guy is really nice and gentle, which is what I need. The place is quiet and calm. I don't need some crazy gym person yelling at me to lift up my leg! He gave me several exercises to do at home and did a lot of stretching. It did not hurt as bad as I expected, it actually felt kind of good. I knew it was going to be a lot of work to get back to myself, but I did not realize how much. We learned we are working to build up my quad muscle. It is completely weak. I can see how his exercises will help and I look forward to seeing progress! He also taught me how to properly use my crutches so I have been using them for short outings out into the world. My mom and I ran into CVS after PT which was my first time in public since before my surgery! My crutches were good then, but I can see them being extremely tiring for longer errands. I was extremely sore after PT so I came home and napped (that is a common occurrence these days).

Thursday I met with my chemo doctor, Dr. B. He too was thrilled with the results of the pathology and surgery. He said it was the best we could hope for and we are trucking a long. All good news! I am set to begin chemo again next Thursday and Friday. It is the same regime as before, but one of the chemo drugs gets dropped later in the course of treatment. I have about 14 weeks of treatment left which has me finishing up around the middle of December. I pray all things stick to schedule so that is what happens! When he was showing us the schedule and he pointed to the week and said "that is where you finish" I think I almost cried! The light is truly at the end of the tunnel and I am so incredibly thankful!

Now, as excited as I am to get things moving so they can end, I cannot say I am looking forward to chemo. It sucks and I think I am forgetting how much. I just pray that the mouth sores STAY AWAY. I am pretty terrified that they will happen again. Nausea, I can handle, but mouth sores are actually hell on Earth. I also really need to put some weight on before I start again Thursday. I lost a lot of weight the first two rounds for many reasons. Chemo messes with your tastebuds, you are so nauseous, and then of course the mouth sores. I really do try to eat when I can, but sometimes it is hard. I simply cannot afford to lose anymore weight though, so I will have to try even harder. It doesn't help that when I do wanna eat, I want cucumbers haha! My one chance to binge eat junk and I don't want it! I am also kinda bummed my hair is gonna come out again. Although it is not nearly as much and I knew it was gonna happen, it is pretty sad to know I have come all this way! At least now I know what to expect when it does come back for good!

Then today, Friday, I had PT again and went to the grocery store to try and get some food I feel like eating. I have been to Publix 39485 times, but I never expected to be there in a wheelchair! You should have seen my mom and I trying to manage the baskets and wheelchair in the store! We made it though, somehow!

I am super excited I don't have anywhere to be this weekend. I will have PT Tuesday, but thats it until Thursday. I plan on seeing some friends that are home and snuggling with my dogs! I am going to try to do some shopping, since I am having withdraws (that's how my mom says she knows I am feeling better...when I say I need to go shopping!). I hear some of the stores have fall stuff out and I need to indulge :). I also have a few restaurants I need to get to before my tastebuds go away!

I am still in a lot of pain from surgery. I still take pain meds, although I am trying to wean off as much as I can. I really don't mean to complain here because I know how lucky I am and how much worse things could be, but hear me out. I am NEVER comfortable. I am not comfortable standing or sitting or laying down. I can get my leg in a comfy position for like 5 minutes and then it needs to be moved. That may not sound that bad except for the fact that I cannot move my leg by myself. Sleeping is next to impossible. I literally wake up at least 4 times a night either in pain or just because I am so uncomfortable. What I wouldn't give to be able to get a good night sleep. I get so frustrated when I am not comfy and I am tired. I have tried all kinds of pillow arrangements and positions and nothing lasts. It is starting to get really, really old. I just want to sleep! I am gonna try and hobble up the stairs this weekend to see if I can get into my bed...it is a big goal so I am not sure if we will get there!

Other than that, things are pretty good. Really good actually. Kind of weird to call life "good" at the moment. Sure it is not the good I would have wanted or expected, but it is good for what it is. Great actually. I know not everyone leaves their oncologist smiling, and that is something I think about constantly. I see stories all the time and they just break my heart. I am so, so grateful things are going so well. Really. Even in the worst of my pain and misery I try to remember that. I am also incredibly grateful to have so many people in my life who make me excited to share the good news with. I have gotten so many kind messages and gestures. I promise I am working on thank you notes, but please know I thank you all from the bottom of my heart for everything.

I think that is it from me! I hope everyone enjoys their long weekend! If only the temperatures would actually drop after Labor Day!

The Aftermath

Sorry I have been so quiet since my surgery! I honestly don't get on my laptop much because it just reminds me that I have to do my online class, so I avoid it. Terrible, I know! Unfortunately, the work has to be done by midnight tonight, so while I am doing that, I figured I would post something!

The surgery was extremely successful and went as expected. He was able to remove the tumor and all the affected areas (which I don't think there was much of). I got a little nervous before going back and had a little cry with my mom. Right after my cry, my surgeon came in (have we mentioned how much we love him?) and said "so you ready for your gender reassignment surgery?". I laughed and felt better after that :). I was back there about 4 hours and then in recovery for several more. I really don't remember much from that day (or that week really...I know my aunt and cousin were here, but I can't remember any details!). I do remember wanting my mom when I woke up, and luckily my nurse was nice enough to sneak her back into the recovery room and let her stay with me! It took FOREVER to get a room, but I was thankful to be able to recover on the 5th floor (which is where I usually go). It definitely helped to have familiar faces! I ended up being in the hospital from Tuesday (surgery day) to Saturday (we left by noon). Longer than I had anticipated, but definitely what was needed.

It has been a rough week or so of recovery. Much rougher than I expected. The pain I've felt is probably only second to my previous experience with mouth sores (pretty sure nothing will EVER beat that). It has improved a lot over the course of the week, which is good. I still cannot get up or down stairs very easily (you should have seen my family trying to get me in the house when we first got home...I can laugh about it now). I have been camped out on the main level of the house. Thankfully, we have a pull out sofa in the living room and a half bath. I don't know what I will do about showering once I can, but I haven't been able to anyway (don't worry I've still been washing off with a wash cloth!). I was sent home with a walker, crutches, and a wheelchair. I have mainly been using the walker to get around when I do, but I hope to practice more with the crutches so I can start to use those.

I have gone on little walks with my mom down the street. I make it about 2 or 3 houses before I have to turn back. It takes a lot of effort for me to walk, since I can really only put weight on one leg, and I have to push the walker. Plus it has been SO very hot, which is just not fun for many reasons. I am definitely looking forward to fall! I know we have a good while before the temperature actually drops, but my scarves are ready!

So, I have been spending a lot of time in bed, not doing my school work. I have been on painkillers, so I have slept a lot. I finally stopped taking one of them today, just because I was so tired of how they made me feel. I have not been super productive, but I have gotten a lot of snuggle time with Stanley! He is the absolute best and I am so thankful he is here! I wanted a cuddly dog for when I am stuck in bed, and they do not get more cuddly than Stanley.

I am still experiencing pain in my leg. I have quite an elaborate pillow set up for my leg and if ONE pillow moves an inch, it throws the whole thing off. I can finally get in and out of bed myself (as long as my walker is close to the bed), so that is a big improvement. I am not good at sitting around and having people do for me and bring me stuff. Sure, it is nice at first, but I start to feel bad. I know my parents (especially my mom) don't mind at all, but I am a pretty independent person, so I think it is just my nature. I also don't like waiting, so I would much rather go and do myself! I know I will be back to myself as soon as I can!

I have an appointment with my surgeon tomorrow. I am assuming he will look at the incision to make sure things are healing properly, and we will discuss the pathology. I have not been as anxious about it as I expected to be. I am hoping for the best (that the tumor was completely dead or mostly dead), but know that anything could happen. I am not sure when chemo will start or what that schedule will look like yet, but promise to keep everyone updated. If y'all wanted to send some good thoughts/prayers/wishes my way for the pathology tomorrow I would appreciate it :).

I also have my first physical therapy appointment tomorrow. I have a bunch of appointments set up, but obviously will have to adjust once chemo starts. I am excited because I want to get back to my fully capable self, but I also know it is going to be hard. It will probably hurt and it will probably wear me out. It is all for good though, and I am extremely motivated to be able to get back upstairs!

I know this post is long, but one more fun thing happened this week. On a particularly rough day, my dad brought inside a package for me. It did not have a clear return address, so we didn't know what it was. I opened it to find another box FULL of One Direction merch. There was a t-shirt, a tank top, a license plate, and all kinds of fun stuff from their current tour. There was also a picture that had a note attached that said it was hand signed by the boys! It made my day!! I cannot thank whoever made this possible enough. I have been shown SO much kindness during all this, and I promise I will pay it all forward as soon as I am better!

So that's it from here! One of my best friends is stopping by on her way back down to school and then I have to finish up some work for my class (which is online...minus the three times we have to be onsite to take exams! If anyone knows of any good proctoring sites in Greenville, please let me know!). I am hoping to get out of the house this week and maybe get to some stores...I really wanna decorate my walker :).

Thanks for all the love and prayers for my surgery! They were much appreciated and I felt so loved!




I love this quote, but couldn't help but use it on this post since I am walking a bit more slowly than usual :).

My first walk down the street! I have informed the 2016 Olympics that I will not be able to compete next year in any of my scheduled events. They understood, but I know it will be a big loss to the team. Hopefully America can forgive me ;)

I don't know why the awkward spacing between pictures, but anywhere here is me with all the One Direction goodies I got! I almost bought that tank top at the concert instead of the t-shirt, so it is a good thing I didn't!

Two seconds before this he was running around like a lunatic...he literally just crashed! 

I've been hobbling onto the deck swing the last two days to get a change of scenery and of course he joins me! He loves to be outside! 

A Medium Day

Well, tomorrow is the big day.

I have to be at the hospital at 5:30am tomorrow. That should be fun (not!). I go straight to preop where they will do whatever they do there, and surgery should start around 8. I think the surgery takes anywhere from 2 1/2-4 hours (different people have told us different things). I will spend a few hours in recovery, then hopefully no more than 2 days in the hospital. I think the part I am dreading most is being back stuck in the hospital. I already want to come home, so I am hoping my stay is the shortest length possible!

I will do my best to post either on here or Facebook when I can! If I don't, I will definitely have my mom. I am extremely excited for tomorrow to be over and to have this step behind me. If you text me tomorrow (or my mom I'll go ahead and throw in there) please don't be offended if we don't answer right away! It is going to be a little bit of a long day, but we will do our best and obviously appreciate all the thoughts and prayers! It is a major step in this "journey" so I am happy to cross it off my list!

I honestly have felt pretty good today. I'm a little anxious, but mainly just ready to get it done. I wish that there was no reason for me to be having this surgery, but since I can't do anything about that, surgery it is. I hate that I won't know what to expect when I wake up. Not even really pain wise, but like how I will feel. Surgery is what is gonna take this stupid disease out of me and for that I am thankful!

I got to spend some one-on-one time with the little boy I babysit/nanny last week while his sister went back to school. I don't often get them by themselves, so I really enjoyed getting to spend time with just him. Anyway, I asked him if he was excited to start school (he starts Tuesday) and he said he was a little bit and that it was going to be a medium day. I then told him that I was going to be having surgery and he said "oh then it is going to be a bad day for you". I then explained that it was actually good, since it is taking what is making me sick out, and he replied "then it is a medium day for both of us!". I loved his way of putting it, and he is exactly right. It is a medium day :).

It is also my brother's last first day of high school tomorrow (I feel like it was just my senior year!)! I hate that all this is surrounding it and that my mom will miss it (my dad is staying to see him off then coming up to the hospital). I know he will be fine, but I can't help but feel bad that all this is happening during such an important time in his life. It will all be fine, I know, but still. It just sucks!

I am not going to lie, I had a really bad, "why me" kind of day yesterday. I moved into my apartment on Saturday and spent the rest of the weekend. It was SO hard to leave yesterday. I was pretty bummed the rest of the day once I got home. It just sucks that all my friends are back and school and I am not. I hate this. It isn't fair. I love the prospect of a new school year and the feeling of the first day (good thing I will be a teacher!). I am so mad I am not getting that this year. I should be at school in my apartment. It really, really just sucks. I just hope that I can be back there in January!

On the bright side, my aunt and one of my cousins are driving down tomorrow. I am SO excited they will be here. Surgery still sucks, but I am excited they will be here to keep me company! I felt so much better about everything once I heard they were coming. It will be so great to have them here!

I think I will sign off here for now! I will do my best to keep you all updated, I promise! In the mean time, any thoughts/prayers for a smooth procedure, easy recovery, and good pathology report are appreciated! And also some for my parents because I am sure waiting while I'm in the OR will be very hard for them! The nurse said they get frequent updates, but still I am sure they will worry!

Thanks for all the continued love and support!

2 of my best friends (and roomies!)! We built that Ikea table in the background all by ourselves, so of course we had to take a picture! (you can also kinda see how my hair is coming in!). 

My room at school! Sorry the lighting is so bad.

Still missing a lot (left some stuff at home on purpose and by accident hahae) and I need to print recent pictures!

My pre surgery gift to myself was this new purse. I had been carrying my old one for almost two years, so when I saw this one I had to buy it! It ended up being $30 less than I expected too :). 

Thoughts and Feelings

Since I am almost officially one week out from surgery, I figured it was time for an update!

My mom and I spent last week in New Jersey visiting my aunt and uncle. It was a great little trip and felt so good to get a change of scenery. We ate a lot (did I mention how GOOD it feels to be able to eat?!). We went to one of our favorite delis where the sandwiches are literally the size of a small child and they have the best pickle bar. I am not even going to pretend I did not pig out. It was glorious.

We had a very eventful driving portion of the trip. My family and I used to make this trip 2-3 times a year (and sometimes still do!) and I have never had a trip this bad. Now believe me, I know it could have been 100x worse, so please read the following with that in mind! To start, I could not help drive any of the (supposed to be) 11 hour trip because my car ended up needing the AC fixed. Yes, I had been driving around in a car with basically no AC for weeks until the people at Nissan could find the leak. Turns out they managed to find it right before we were supposed to leave! That was a bummer because I was looking forward to driving to help with being bored in the car and to give my mom a break. Anyway, we left in the afternoon and were making such good time my mom thought we would be able to drive the whole way through that day. Around 10/11 we hit MASSIVE traffic. Like the three lane highway all had to merge into 1 lane. Then that cleared up and then the same thing happened AGAIN. The second time, we were sitting there and I was flipping through radio stations when we got rear ended. We had already lost a lot of time in the traffic so this pushed it over the edge. Luckily the couple was very nice and there was barely any damage. Still pulling off to the side of the road from the middle lane at 11 o'clock at night in massive traffic on 95 is enough to get to anyone. Once we cleared that up, we decided to stop at a hotel for the night and start fresh in the morning.

The next morning our goal was to leave at 8. Long story short, we ended up staying in the hotel because One Direction was on GMA and they kept saying they were next (as they always do) so I convinced my mom to stay and watch. They were done at 9, so we left shortly after. The ride was going fine until we got into New Jersey. I don't know how many people who read here live in Jersey, so if you don't then you need to know that the Turnpike is the main highway there. That's how you get to most places including the airport and NYC. Sure there are other ways, but that is the most convenient. Well, we kept seeing signs that the turnpike was closed "north of exit 10" but my mom and I both couldn't believe they could shut down the whole turnpike. We were wrong. It turns out a truck flipped over under an overpass and blew up (it was crazy...google it). Long story short, all the back ways were crawling in massive traffic so it look us an extra hour to get to my aunts. It was a disaster. One Direction saved the day though, because if we had left at 8 we probably would have gotten stuck in the traffic on the turnpike when the accident first occurred...some of those people were stuck for 3 hours!

Speaking of One Direction, I did get to see them! It was my fourth time seeing them, but first time in a stadium. It was SUCH a good show! We had really good seats considering we bought them for resale. They put on such an amazing show and the weather was perfect for an outside concert. It was so nice to do a "normal" activity, and I was so happy to feel good enough to go! I stood the entire concert and was basically myself. I have been feeling like myself this last month, but it was still just exciting for me to feel good. They sang all my favorite songs and it was really just such a good night. It was well deserved after my last few months and made me feel ready to conquer the next few! Next time I see them I hope to be totally cancer free and front row :).

We got home Friday, after hitting massive traffic AGAIN. We lost two hours sitting in traffic. Needless to say, we were extremely happy to get home. I was so happy to be reunited with my dogs! And my bed! I love to travel and get away, but I will always be happy to come home!

I don't have much on the agenda for the week. I just plan on embracing my last week before I am down again for awhile. I am getting kind of anxious about surgery. Not so much about the actual procedure, but the recovery. I don't like the idea of not knowing what I will feel like when I wake up from it. I don't know if I will be in a lot of pain or how long it will be before I can get up and go like I am used to. I am probably making it much worse in my head, but that's just what I do. I know it will affect my walking but I am scared it will hurt and a lot and be for awhile. It is basically changing something I have been used to my whole life and that is scary. The doctor said I will not be able to tell once the piece is in there and that the surgery is easier than the chemo, so I am holding onto that. He said stairs shouldn't be an issue, but I am still nervous they will be. I am scared to be really out of commission, like not being able to stand up and walk as usual. I am lucky I know my family will be there to help me, but I do not like depending on people! I am trying not to think about it too much, but I can't help it sometimes.

I am ready to get the surgery over with and power through the rest of the chemo. I want this to be over. Half the time, I still can't believe this is something that happened to me. It is easy to forget when I feel good until I see my bald head in the mirror. It is actually less bald now though! I know all the hair that is currently growing will fall out again, but I have a fair amount on my head! You can tell because my scalp looks darker and you can feel it (so soft!). I have also started shaving again (gonna be completely honest...I did not miss that!). I will be so happy when it starts coming back and I know it will be there to stay! I really miss having hair. I complained a lot about bad hair days, but I would love to have one of those now!

I move into my apartment on Friday. I am planning to go move in and stay at least Friday night, maybe Saturday night too. I am taking it all one day at a time. I am super excited to move in and finally live with my best friends, but I can't help but think about how unfair this crappy situation is. I wish I could be excited about moving in and going back to school. My friends and I signed the lease for this apartment back in like November...I never would have thought I would not be moving in when I should be. I remember shopping with one of my friends last year for our separate apartments and talking about how we couldn't wait to shop for our own apartment this year. We have been shopping, but it really sucks knowing I won't be there like I should be. I plan to visit whenever I can, but it is not going to be the same. Plus, I miss being on my own in my own space.  I am sad to be missing out on all the fun things I am used to doing fall semester at school. I miss my school routines. I should be starting the professional program which is when things finally get serious. It just sucks. A lot. I love home, but I liked school too. I am really struggling with this and I am scared moving in is going to be really hard. The last two years I have gotten sad when it comes to leaving home and going back, and I wish that's what I was dealing with this year. It is kind of funny that usually I am sad to leave home, but this year I am sad that I have to come back home! Perspective is a funny thing! It just isn't fair and there's not much else to say about that.

It also sucks for my two best friends who will be living there without me. I haven't talked with them much about it (probably because we would all cry), but it is going to be hard for them too. My stuff will be there, but I won't be. We had all been looking forward to this time and to have it delayed is a bummer. We had TV nights planned and different traditions to start. We will (prayerfully!) have spring semester and then senior year together too, but I hate we have to miss out on this semester.

Not to mention, all my friends will be back at school. This sucks for a number of reasons. They won't be able to come visit me in the hospital or sit with me at my chemo. I have been EXTREMELY blessed with fantastic friends and I am so thankful they have done those things. It is going to SUCK going into those things and knowing they won't be there. I know they will come and see me as much as possible, but it is not going to be the same. I was extremely lucky to start all this during the summer when they were all home so it is going to be weird and hard that they won't be. I am going to miss them so much and will be counting down till all the breaks so they can come home!

This post is getting long and deep, so I will sign off for now. I am sure I will post again before surgery (I have a lot of thoughts and feelings still!). I am still feeling like myself and just enjoying that before going back to the cancer world next week!

Thanks for all the continued love and support...especially next week! I hope everyone is enjoying what is left of summer (no school wise at least...we all know it will be hot until at least October! :) )

Again, I will leave you with some pictures!

“When faced with the scariest of things, all you want to do is turn away, hide in your own invisible place. But you can't. That's why it's not only important for us to be seen, but to have someone to look for us, as well.” 
― Sarah Dessen, Saint Anything

Yes, I bought Stanley a Halloween costume in August...but you should see the way he flies around with his cape! 

Some pictures from the concert :)

Corn beef from Harold's Deli aka THE BEST

My mom and me before the concert! *side note* I was super excited about that necklace I found to match that dress like two days before we left. When we got to our seats at the concert, I turned my head and it broke! It was such a bummer so I retuned it when we got home!

My mom, my aunt , and me before the show! My aunt lives 30 minutes from Metlife so she graciously offered to drop us off and pick us up!