Peace Out Cisplatin

SEE YA NEVER!

This past Wednesday was my last dose of Cisplatin. While all chemo drugs suck, this is one sucks slightly more, especially when combined with the other chemo drug I get at the same time. It is the first of several lasts I have coming up, and I cannot wait. Currently, I feel okay. I have been sleeping A LOT and I know the side effects probably won't kick in till later this week. I am just really hoping the mouth pain stays at a minimum since it finally just went away from the last time. 

Last weekend, my mom and I were able to escape down to the beach with some of our good friends, just us girls. It was a lovely weekend and much needed. The weather was GORGEOUS! You probably could have tanned (no worries I was fully covered from head to toe). I did not put on a bathing suit this whole year (kind of a waste since I am the smalllest I have been in years...mostly kidding). I am hopeful next year will include many beach trips where I can actually tan! It felt so good to get away. I ate (despite the mouth pain) and even made it out on the beach! We weren't sure how it was going to work at first, but I was able to hobble down on the beach with my crutches. It felt so good to sit and get a change of scenery. I honestly felt like a whole different person there. When I wasn't looking in the mirror, I almost forgot what is currently happening.

I have a had a few of these moments lately where I cannot believe what has happened and what is happening. I see all the reminders, but I still can't believe I got cancer and have gone through what I have. Part of me is glad it is easy to forget because it will make it easier for this to all be a distant memory one day. I think back to last year at this time and think of all that I had coming. It works on the flip side too, that who knows what next year at this time will look like, but I am choosing not to focus what little energy I have on that!

I think one of the (many) reasons cancer is so scary is because we all want to believe bad stuff won't happen to us. It is so easy to see those stories on the news about tragic kidnappings or unfortunate accidents and think that we have some control over those things happening. Guess what...there is no control when it comes to cancer. It can and does happen to anyone. I don't say this to scare anyone, but seriously if I can get it anyone can. Sure some lifestyle choices have an affect, but not all the time. I know it must have been scary for my friends to find out their 20 year old friend got cancer. Doesn't cancer only happen to old people? I know when I see people in the stores that they are thankful it isn't them or their kid. I get that for a lot of people this is their worst nightmare and I am a reminder of that. Be thankful it isn't you...but don't forget that it could be. 

I know I never researched much into it. I never thought it would happen to me! I was 20 and healthy. I ate my fruits and veggies and quinoa. Nothing is going to change if everyone who isn't personally affected by it turns a blind eye. Sure, that is easier, but it isn't right. I am sorry it took this for me to realize how much work needs to be done in the world of cancer. Yes, there are aspects of cancer that are sad and hard to deal with, but there is also so much hope. And we need that hope for things to change. I'm not saying live in fear, but instead be proactive now just incase God forbid you find yourself in a similar situation. Shoulda, coulda, wouldas, are nice, but why wait till it gets to that point?

Anyway, sorry for my little rant. In other news, I can now walk up and down the stairs! Slowly and holding on, but I no longer have to sit. It is still tiring (chemo fatigue is real y'all) but more efficient! I also have slowly been using the crutches and walker less and less. It is easier for me to hobble around my house without them! When I go out I still use the crutches and probably will need to for the foreseeable future, but I am quite happy with the progress.

I switched out my drawers a few weeks ago so my fall stuff is accessible. Next time I have a burst of energy I seriously need to go through my closet! Anyway, not the point. I put away all my shorts and all I could think of is what life will hopefully look like when I take them out again next spring. I will remember the night I put them away while still limping around bald. It was a bit of a challenge getting stuff from the hall closet to my room and vice versa, but I was resourceful and did it alll without help!

In other exciting news, my mom and I bought tickets to see Amy Schumer in December. I am so excited and it will hopefully be a happy end-of-chemo gift to me! December sounds so far away, but hopefully it will go by fast. It is gonna (hopefully) be a big month!

Other than that, I am pretty much just resting and snuggling with Stanley. He has more than fulfilled his purpose of a cuddly dog! I am more tired than usual this round, but it is better than being nauseous. I have the rest of this week of and all of next week. I believe I will go to the hospital on the 10th (since I am on a Tuesday/Wednesday schedule now). That will repeat the following week and after that I will only have two more inpatient stays (one round but two consective weeks).

I cannot believe Halloween is this weekend! I haven't been home for Halloween in two years since I have been at school. I love handing out candy so hopefully I can make it downstairs to do that. We don't have any plans. We will dress Stanley up and take pictures and probably eat more candy then we give away! I am mostly counting down till Thanksgiving. That is my absoulte favorite holiday and I cannot wait to celebrate with my cousins. 

I think that is it from around here. I go to the doctor tomorrow for labs and just to check in. Other than that, not much to report (thankfully...I hope it stays that way). I wanted to write, but this post seems to be all over the place!! 

One last thing, my t-shirt campaign closes Sunday so if you want a shirt, don't forget!! The response has been amazing. I cannot thank you all enough for the sweet messages and for buying one! I have bracelets but we have yet to figure out the best way to distrubute them unless we see you in person! If anyone has any suggestions...I'm open! The link for t-shirts is: https://www.booster.com/strongandsassie129

Also, I created a Facebook page (which is what I should have done originally). I'll be posting on there instead of my personal FB from now on, so like it if you want to keep up!! 

https://www.facebook.com/strongandsassie

I will leave you with some pictures! No quote this time...couldn't find one that struck me! There's a first time for everything! I will have to do some research or read a book!

Just moments after my LAST EVER cisplatin infusion finished! I requested to be in a private room (sounds way more VIP than it is!) instead of the recliners this last round. I wish I had been doing that from the start! I get to lay in an actual bed and they have TVs in there. Never mind the fact that I am not stuck out in the main area with all the old people (no offense). I am there so long two days in a row, it was nice to have a bit of privacy! 

Yes out shirts match. Yes I know I may have gone too far BUT LOOK HOW CUTE?! He looks like a lifeguard at th beach in this shirt :).

It doesn't get better than the beach with great weather, snacks, and company! It was actully fairly crowded for October on the beach, this picture is misleading!

He is such a baby! And good news...he gained back his bed privledges! He has been able to sleep with me (since he seems to have stopped peeing on the bed)and it is absolute heaven!

It Is Always Something!

It has been quite a day over here!

If we have learned anything through this experience it is that things are 100% out of our control and that I personally do a good job of keeping things interesting! 

I had my routine three month ECHO today. I didn't stress and wasn't concerned at all. We sat waiting for longer than the actual ECHO takes, which is always annoying. Anyway, we get through the ECHO and the tech (I think the guy who does it is like a tech? I don't know his qualifications exactly, but he isn't a doctor) mentions that some measurement has dropped and it could indicate a potential problem. He says they may call and want me to meet with a cardiologist who may stick me on some type of medicine to prevent it from getting worse. All in all, no one seemed super concerned, so we left and went to Costco .

We finally make it in the doors of Costco (thank you wheelchair for making everything take 10x longer) and I get a call scheduling an appointment with a cardiologist. The scheduler who called me (who really should have kept her mouth shut now that I am looking back on it) says they need to delay chemo until I meet with the doctor. I, of course, get super upset that things are gonna be pushed back for who knows how long. In my head, I was preparing to hear that I would have to delay chemo a month. We make an appointment for Monday and try to move on with our shopping (also what is with Costco not having the sample stands??? There were only two today!). 

Luckily, I already had an appointment with Dr. B for this afternoon. We figured we would get some info from him and since he is the chemo guy, he would know what to do. Dr. B walks in the room and I think my mom and I were both a little on edge!! It was all good news though. I think the issue is called ejection fraction, which has nothing to do with my heart's function or structure (good news!). Anyway, my number dropped and is now 50% which is exactly borderline. Any lower and they stop the chemo drug (adromycin--I am sure that is  not spelled correctly) and any higher is totally normal. This stumped everyone! My doctor (who I trust 110%) ultimately decided to lower my dose of the drug for my rounds of chemo Monday and Tuesday. While not ideal, it is not a huge deal and is definitely better than not getting the drug at all! I will have another ECHO in 3 or so weeks just to moniter. I still probably will meet with the cardiologist at some point or he/she may just call in a medicine for me to take to prevent it from getting lower!! We really don't want that because as much as the drug sucks, it works! I only get it two more times after this week so it should all be good!

It is not a serious problem, as far as heart issues go. It looks like my nonexistent marathon career might be over (darn!), but I should still be good to walk around the mall :). The medicine (should I get on some) should be helpful and the problem has been known to reverse itself once treatment stops. So, while not ideal, it could have been a lot worse and we will just watch it!! 

In other news, I am STILL dealing with mouth sores. The actual sores are gone, but the soreness is real. It feels like super raw (I hate that word), kind of like how it would feel if braces tore up the inside of your mouth. It makes eating/drinking/brushing my teeth a challenge. I am seriously hoping it clears up before this next round of chemo causes them again! They are literally the worst thing I have ever experienced in my life. I actually wake up in the middle of the night in pain. I've tried all the mouthwashes and taking an Oxy before bed and NOTHING does anything. I would do anything for them to go away! 

Yesterday was probably one of the most miserable days I have had to date. Without going into much detail, I literally spent all day yesterday on the floor of the bathroom. No joke, I literally had a pillow and blanket and fell asleep several times throughout the day. It was not fun at all and I am super happy to be done with October 13, 2015! 

So, I will still get my outpatient chemos Monday and Tuesday. On the bright side, it is my last time getting both adramycin and cisplatin!! After this week, I will just get adramycin. This is good news because while both drugs suck, cisplatin causes a lot more of the bad side effects. Plus it is the one that drips for four hours, so my next times at the chemo clinic should be much shorter! 

In Stanley news, the poor thing sprained his ankle!! The other night my dad was taking him out for his nightly walk and all of a sudden he made the most pitiful noise I have ever heard. He started limping around so he went to the vet the next morning and it turns out it was a sprain! He gets some anti-inflammatory medicine once a day to help with pain. It hasn't stopped him at all! He still runs around and is jumping on and off everything! We should probably stop him, but it is next to impossible catch him! In the mean time Stanley and I are both hobbling around the house :). The vet also told us we need to watch his weight...he was 9lbs when we got him and now is around 12! Whoops!

My bracelets came in while I was at the hospital! They look so good so as soon as we figure out the best way to distrubute them, I will post! Also you can still order a t-shirt through this link! It closes November 1 so don't wait :) https://www.booster.com/strongandsassie129 

I have a fun weekend planned and then it is back to chemo on Monday and Tuesday. I am excited my aunt is coming into town next week! We always laugh and eat a lot so while I may not be eating much, I do plan on laughing!! 

I hope everyone has a good weekend...and even if it isn't the best, at least you (probably...I would hope) don't have mouth sores!! Eat some chips for me! Or oranges...which are my new craving which just seems cruel at this point!

Thank you for all the continued love and support! Quite a "journey" this cancer thing is!

Stanley and I spent some time outside the other day. He loves the sun! I sent this to my aunt and she asked where his large, fashionable sunglasses were! 

Just because he is so cute!

and a sneak peak of the bracelets (better pic and info to come!)

The 4 "S"s (Smells, Support, Surprises, Sores)

I don't really have a direction for this post, just sitting in the hospital bored (and avoiding schoolwork!), so I figured I would just write and see where it goes.

Nothing too exciting has been happening, which is really a good thing. I was in the hospital last Thursday-Sunday (I really think they messed up and could have let me go Saturday but oh well!!). I am hoping things go as smooth and quick this time! After this stay, I only have 4 more stays (2 more total rounds) which doesn't seem too bad. I have one of my favorite nurses this today, which helps tremendously. I love the majority of my nurses and will miss them when I no longer have to come. I also gained a pound over the last week so that was good news too! It may seem like nothing, but I was happy to see the scale go up, not down (things sure have changed!)I

On that note, I have spent A LOT of time thinking about the future. While I know I definitely have time, I am beginning to try to piece together what life will look like after this ends. I don't want to get too ahead of myself, so I am sure I will be writing more on this later. Everytime I see my doctor he goes "you're almost done!" or something along those lines. While super encouraging (I know not everyone gets to hear that) and true, December (praying things stay on schedule), seems far away to me when I think about what happens between now and then. I am on week 16 of 26 so time is moving...even if it isn't always as fast as I would like. 

This is going to sound total weird if you don't also do it, but does anyone else associate smells with things? I have always done this. Certain smells bring me straight back to a person or place or event. Growing up, my friends' houses always had their own "smell". Doing this is both good and bad. It is good when I am reminded of happy times or people I miss, but bad when it comes to this whole "journey". The smell of the chemo infusion room literally makes me nauseous. I pray I can forget the smell of the hospital. There is a certain plug in/air freshener that was in the bathroom at home that I will never, ever be able to use again. I have a particular "hospital deoderant" because the smel reminds me of the hospital too much to use anywhere else. For this reason, I haven't worn any of my good perfumes since treatment started. I LOVE perfume and have quite a collection, so this has been hard. Luckily, I don't go very many places, which helps ha! Anyway, this whole paragraph came about because I wore a nightgown the other night that I realized probably hadn't been washed since I last washed it in my apartment at school. I use Unstoppable scent beads (totally awesome invention if you like good smelling laundry!) and I am 99% these smelled of the ones I used at school. It really made me sad. Who would have thought the last time I put that nightgown away that I would be where I am now. I realize this will happen with lots of things I go to put on now. It caught me off guard and was not something I had considered. Sometimes it really is the little things!

On a happier note, I was surprised twice in the last week! Usually I am the person who plans the surprises, so it is nice to be on the other side! I also am very nosy so the few times people have tried to surprise me, I kind of knew! The first surprise was last Saturday when I finally got to meet a friend I had been e-mailing with who was diagnosed with breast cancer a month before I was diagnosed. While we are in totally different walks of life and had different diagnoses, she has been a great source of support for me as someone who "gets" it. She was up in Greenville this weekend visiting her mom (who my mom worked with last year) so they both came to the hospital to visit. It was SUCH a treat to be able to meet in person and talk! I can't wait till we get together again, hopefully somewhere other than the hospital! The second surprise happened yesterday. I knew 2 of my best friends were coming over, but what I didn't know was that one of them brought one of my closest friends at school back to Greenville with her!  I am sure most of you have seen the devastation in Columbia due to flooding. Thankfully my apartment is okay, but there were all kinds of water shortages and advisories, so everyone came home!  Anyway, it was such a great surprise to get to see my friends (especially the one I hadn't seen since last spring!). I never realize how much I miss hanging out with them until we get together! 

On a less happy note (this post is like a rollar coaster!), I have been suffering from mouth sores yet again, thank you methotrexate. It started as the usual soreness, but turned into actual sores we notices this morning. It is TERRIBLE! Seriously awful. I slept with a cold wash cloth on my lower lip last night. I debated including a picture to emphasize how GOD AWFUL these things are, but decided some of you may be reading this around dinner time. You're welcome. I have some things to help, but nothing lasts more than like 10 minutes. I am hoping they go away and do not come back after this next round. I want to eat and drink like a (semi) normal person!! I would rather be nauseous because at least there are meds and you can knock yourself out. This pain is constant and it hurts. It is the only time I have ever cried from being in pain and actually feel like I am suffering. Nothing good to say about this aspect at all.

Back on a lighter note, thank you SO SO SO MUCH for all the support with the t-shirts. Like I said before, I hate asking people for things, especially when I cannot do much in return. They will be for sale till November 1, so if you haven't grabbed yours yet you can click this link and do so (if you want...no pressure :) ). Here is the link: https://www.booster.com/strongandsassie129. For details, check out my last post! I am thinking it would be really cool to pick a day for everyone to wear them and post them using my hashtag (I really promise I am not a self-absorbed person). We will see what happens!! I cannot do much right now, but I promise one day to figure out how to thank everyone. I feel like thank you has lost its meaning, but please know how sincere it is. 

I think that covers everything floating through my head. It took me hours to write this post, so chemo is in and I should try to do some schoolwork. I am really tired though, so a nap may win out! 

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend...and I hope I am out of here ASAP!

#SassieandStrong

I wrote this post over and over in my head last night when I couldn't fall asleep!

I have never been one that is good at asking for help or depending on people. One of the things I have learned over the last almost seven months is that people want to help, they just don't know how.

We are very lucky to have the health insurance we do, but cancer is expensive. The treatments, the surgeries, the medicines. We get a different bill in the mail everyday. I don't say this to pity you into buying a shirt (unless it works ;)), rather just to be honest.

Anyway, while avoiding my schoolwork here at the hospital, I came across this website that allows you to design a shirt and takes care of the all business for you. I designed a short sleeve t-shirt and a long sleeve t-shirt to provide some options. I personally LOVE long sleeve t-shirts and I feel like I never have the opportunity to buy them! Plus they will be good since cold weather should be coming...hopefully. The shirts will be for sale till November 1, then will ship out after that date. 

I don't people to feel obligated to purchase one, but I hope that if you do you will wear it in good health :). I got the front of the shirt from a play on the lyrics to Drag Me Down by One Direction (I know this will come as a surpise to many of you since I have never mentioned them before ;) ). Anyway, I feel like it is an inspiring message, even if you haven't experienced cancer yourself. Don't let anything drag you down. Life is full of good things that it is a waste of time to spend too much time on the bad stuff. 

The back #StrongandSassie is a good alliteration and my nickname! It started off within my family, but now many friends call me Sassie as well. The back also includes a ribbon, obviously for cancer. I used gray because I figured it was a good gender neutral color and the yellow is the color for Osteosarcoma. 

I also designed a silicone bracelet that I should get in a few weeks. It has the same two sayings, the band is pink, and the writing is yellow. As soon as they arrive, I will post those details! 

I sincerely thank everyone for all the love and support. Those things come in all forms, whether or not you buy a shirt, and I am truly blessed to be surrounded by so much of both. I promise once I am better, I will figure out a way to pay all this forward!

Here is a link to the shirts: https://www.booster.com/strongandsassie129. Here are the pictures of the shirts front and back. There are a wide range of sizes available. 

Kindness and Target

I woke up excited this morning because I was finally going to get out of the house. I had an appointment with my doctor, PT, and then my mom and I were going to run some errands. 

My excitement quickly disappeared once I went to get dressed. I was going to wear real clothes (aka not Nike shorts and a t-shirt) since I was going to be in public. Unfortunately the cool weather we were having while I was stuck in bed decided to leave and the high was 84. As if I am not over my summer wardrobe simply because it is almost OCTOBER, I have reached the point that none of my shorts fit.

 I hobbled over to my closet and picked out an outfit I thought was cute and made me feel good. I put my shorts on first and got so discouraged. They are huge. Before I go further, I know weight can be a sensitive topic so please don't read into this post that much. I like to share things honestly, so this is just something I am sharing as it is part of this "journey". I have lost A LOT of weight. I am talking like 30 pounds. I was weighed at the doctor today and it was the lowest it has been. I need to put at least 10 pounds on. It was definitely not all bad, but I really really really don't want to lose anymore. I really do my best to eat, but it is so hard when you are nauseous or your mouth hurts or your tastebuds are gone. Plus it doesn't help that sweet stuff is totally unappealing and my teeth are super sensitive so ice cream is not fun to eat. I know I need to eat just to get calories, but it is so hard.

Anyway, back to this morning. I was extremely discouraged by my jean shorts sliding on without even having to button them. Then I looked in the mirror and I am just so unhappy with the way I look. I do not look like myself at all. I look super skinny and my hair is a mess. It is completely gone on the left side and back, but I still have some on the top and right side. This is the point many people would probably shave it, but I still don't feel like that is something I want to do. It is just not me. I don't recognize myself and I certainly don't feel pretty. 

I know it looks worse to me than to other people. I just hate that the people I meet and will meet in the future won't get to see what I think I look like. I don't think I look like this, which is why when I do look in the mirror, it scares me. I promise I am not asking for compliments, I just need to share how I feel.

I ended up putting on a dress and a scarf, a decently cute outfit. I did get a lot of compliments at the doctor's office, which made me feel a little better. I had a good appointment too. Both my doctor and nurse keep telling me how close I am to finishing, and while I know that, it feels good to hear it coming from them.

After the doctor, my mom and I went to lunch. We ended up one of those awkward things where we had too much time to go straight PT, but also not enough time to actually do anything (especially considering how long it takes me simply to get to and from the car!). We ended up being early to PT (a first!), and he worked me really hard today. My knee is in a lot of pain! It is all good pain, but not really that fun. He said my range of motion is pretty perfect and I am able to bend my leg like normal again (to the same degree). I can also stand on my bad leg if I lean on something! That was a new development. I still have a ways to go before I am walking independently again, but progress is being made!

Even though it had already been a busy day, my mom and I made our way to Kohls and Target. I had to check out Lauren Conrad's Runway collection and I had a coupon, so of course nothing was in my size. I am about to go online because I have a 10 rewards coupon that expires tonight and that would be basically throwing money away, so we can't let that happen! 

Next we went to my home away from home, Target. I was in my wheelchair because it had already been a long day and that is simply a lot of walking. We took our time browsing. While we were looking at pjs, this lady walks by us then backs up. She said "excuse me, I just wanted to tell you that no matter what you are going through you are still beautiful" and then she emphasized it a few more times. I was so stunned, so all I could say is thank you (and I totally teared up).

Here this lady was just minding her own business in Target. She had no idea that this morning, I was struggling with this very thing (which I notice many days, but this day was especially bad). It made me think a lot about how come everyone doesn't do this everyday?? How much better would the world be if we could all be kind? Who doesn't need to hear something like that everyday? To know this lady took time from her own day to make mine makes me wanna cry all over. I wish I had seen her again. I would have bought her groceries or a candy bar or something. She has made my day.

Not to mention, this lady was not your typical looking Target shopper. She was someone I am sure has been judged before because of the way she looked or dressed. That makes me so sad. I am not going to say I don't judge anymore (because everyone does), but I do catch myself now. You never know what someone is going through. I have never been stopped in a store like this before and I would never have expected this lady to stop. You really cannot judge a book by its cover. 

This totally proves Target is indeed the best store ever. Good things happen there! I think I need to definitely go there as much as possible :). We also got Stanley a new cape and a dinosaur costume (thank you dollar section). I haven't gotten pictures yet, but I promise to share when I do!

I plan to pay her kindness forward (and all the kindness I have been shown). The world is a dark and scary place, we should all spend more time being nice. 

While I still am struggling with my looks, it really made my day to hear from a stranger. I just cannot wait to get the "me" I know back. And in the meantime, the temperature drops tomorrow so leggings it will be (I am assuming those still fit!). 

It started out as a rough day, but is ending on a high note. I am glad, since I will be stuck in the hospital a lot in the coming days. Hoping they are as short a stay as possible! 

I am Thankful

Again, in no particular order and not limited to:

I am thankful for modern medicine.

I am thankful for nausea meds and magic mouthwash.

I am thankful for family that has also turned their own lives upside down to get me through this.

I am thankful for great nurses and doctors.

I am thankful the scar on my leg really isn't that bad.

I am thankful to live in an area that has a good hospital system that is playing a large role in the cancer world.

I am thankful for friends and their sweet messages.

I am thankful for my dogs.

I am thankful this treatment will end. Some cancers require years of treatment.

I am thankful I don't have to spend countless months or weeks in the hospital. Really a few days is nothing. 

I am thankful to be able to eat what I can, when I can.

I am thankful my ability to walk WILL come back, it just isn't as fast as I'd like. 

I am thankful for my own bed.

I am thankful for a mom who (among hundreds of other things) stays with me in the hospital.

I am thankful for funny TV shows.

I am thankful for online shopping ;).

I am thankful (understatement) that things have gone so well.

I am thankful for the opportunity to complete classes online.

I am thankful for hair that will grow back (and in the meantime...not having to shave!).

I am thankful for clean sheets.

I am thankful for cooler temperatures.

I am thankful for good days.

I am thankful one day this will all be a distant memory.

I am thankful for new days.

I am thankful that depsite all my bad days, I can usually come back and realize how lucky I am.

A bit premature for Thanksgiving, but I wanted to do a follow up to my last post. I know it may have been hard to read, so I just wanted to remind everyone that life is good and so am I. Do I still miss those things? Every damn day. But I don't spend everyday focusing on those things, or I try not to. I think my funk is lifting slowly. Some days I just have to let my feelings out, and sometimes I do that by writing. 

My mom and I had a long talk before bed the other night about all the things I've been thinking about. I felt better after talking. I had been keeping a lot in. I am sure I will discuss those things more upcoming. I will say, thinking of life when treatment ends is terrifying. I cannot wait, but figuring out how to put the pieces of my life back together is scary. I want normal more than anything, but I don't even know what normal will look like now. I have some time to figure it out, and I know that I will.

It has been rainy and cloudy here for almost a week with no end in site. I am OVER it. I like a cloudy day here and there, but this is too much. I need the rain to leave, but the cool temps to stay!! 

My hair started coming out again. While not unexpected and not as hard, it is still never fun to see your pillow covered with your hair. It didn't all come out last time so I'll be curious to see what happens now. I'm just hoping my eyebrows and eyelashes hold on as long as possible! I am happy this is the last time I will deal with this and look forward to it coming back for good!

I woke up the other day with a bad headcold. I am hoping it is on its way out now. I hate colds so much! Plus now we have to be so careful and make sure it doesn't cause a fever. On that note, it is that time of year where I should throw this out there. If you have been sick or been around someone who was, please wait till you are better to come see me! Chemo makes my counts drop and I really need to avoid getting sick as much as possible so things stay on schedule. Thank you in advance :). 

I don't really have anything exciting to say. I am hoping to leave the house tomorrow for the first time in weeks, even if it is just to get some Starbucks!! I've been eating as much as I can (which is not as much as my mom would like) since the methotrexate messes with my tastebuds. I am really praying my levels drop quickly so we can get a few days at home before going back. I am going to miss Stanley!! 

Thanks for all the love and prayers!! Ready to cross these next two treatments off my list!

I Miss

In no particular order:

I miss being able to get myself out of bed in the morning and go downstairs and get breakfast.

I miss being able to get dressed and get in my car and go to stores.

I miss Target.

I miss being able to go into the kitchen to get myself food.

I miss being able to walk, anywhere.

I miss being able to get up and down the stairs easily.

I miss having hair with any length.

I miss being able to take a normal shower.

I miss not having to worry about simple colds and low grade fevers.

I miss not having to go spend however many days in the hospital.

I miss not being exhausted (and I don't mean sleepy exhausted...I mean physically).

I miss not waking up in the middle of the night due to either leg pain or not being able to move it.

I miss not having the giant scar down the middle of my leg.

I miss being able to put the dogs out.

I miss my old appetite and tastebuds.

I miss shopping (of all kinds...especially grocery).

I miss being at school on my own.

I miss my friends. 

I miss our Friday night yogurt or Chipotle traditions.

I miss babysitting.

I miss not being nauseous 3/4 of the time.

I miss not having countless doctors appointments.

I miss not having a port in my chest.

I miss driving.

I miss being able to be helpful and independent. 

I miss my clothes fitting the way they should.

I miss it not being painful to brush my teeth.

I miss not having to use a walker or crutches or a wheelchair just to do simple daily tasks or go to a store.

I miss my old life.

I don't really mean this post to be depressing, but just honest. I've had an emtionally rough few days (I'm sure the gray, rainy weather doesn't help), and I've (stupidly) spent a lot of time thinking of all this. I've gotten some e-mails about school stuff and I think the season change in general is throwing me off. I just realized I missed the 6 month mark since diagnosis, which seems significant, but I was probably too nauseous to realize at the time. Half a year...I never knew time could pass so slowly yet so fast at the same time. I know I will get a lot of it back, but that thought currently doesn't help me. This too shall pass, I know. Each day is one day closer to the end, which does mean something.

Not to say there hasn't been any good these last few days, because there has. There always is and please don't think for a second I ever forget that. Like I have said before, I am good 99% of the time but I do have my 1% days. 

I have a doctors appointment and PT Wednesday then go into the hospital Thursday for my next round of chemo. Can't say I am looking forward to it, but hoping it is short lived and will be happy to cross it off. 

Thanks for all the love and prayers. Cancer sucks. I hope everyone has a great weekend!

Just for a smile to this post, here is Stanley in his new raincoat. He tolerates it...but he did cry in the rain before he had it!