Long Time No Post!

Where to even start???

I apologize for neglecting this little blog! I honestly do not have a good reason why. I have been pretty busy, but I wouldn't use that as an excuse! I think I am really focusing in on how to navigate this post cancer life, and part of that has been taking a step back from this blog. I know I have never been super regular in posting, but I also am not ready to totally give it up. As I do with everything, I am taking it day by day! I'll post when I feel the need to, but if you need updates, I would like my FB page! I am a little better about updating there! 

So my last post left off right before the one year anniversary of my diagnosis. The anticipation of the was actually a lot worse than the actual day. I did do the whole "last year at this time" thing a bit, but it wasn't as traumatic as expected. I went into the school for the morning then my mom and I got lunch and pedicures. It was a nice day, much better than the day had been the year before!

The weekend after the anniversary, my mom and I jetted off to Hawaii! My mom's cousin and his wife graciously offered us a trip all the way out west, and we had a GREAT time! It is gorgeous there! It was nice to get away and relax in a new setting. It was also nice to not have to worry about going somewhere! We did a lot of relaxing on the beach and eating! It was a bit hard at first as it was the first time I had put on a swim suit in over a year. The constant reminder of my scar was a bit unsettling...I can't say I love it, but I know as time goes on it will get better. I would LOVE to go back when I am a bit less limited...I am not really able to swim and we couldn't do any pretty hikes because I'm still not 100% in walking on uneven surfaces. It was the longest I had been away from home since everything. I missed Stanley so much, but it has been COLD here in Greenville since we got back, so I would love to be back in Hawaii! 

Right before we left, I was accepted a part time nannying job! It has been really nice and I am really enjoying it! I nanny 3 days a week, so I still go to the school the other two. It is a nice balance, and seriously keeps me busy! I may not always want to wake up early and go, but I do appreciate that I can! I always try to remember that this is what I wanted a year ago.

I still have PT, but am down to two days a week. Thankfully the nannying job is flexible so I can still go to my appointments. I have made tremendous progress, but my balance and strength still need work. It wears my leg out, but I know it is good! I will look forward to the day I don't have to go anymore!

My hair is seriously coming in! It is just now getting a little curl to it, which should be interesting. I don't really know what to do with it! I like the low maintenance of it, but I do miss my length! It is funny though, I get compliments on my "haircut" at least once on every errand I go on! I don't say that in a braggy way at all, but I think it is so funny! The flight attendant on the flight to Hawaii complimented me and so did an old man sitting next to me when my friend and I got pedicures! I really appreciate it because I can't say I love it yet! I am glad really glad to have hair and have it look "on purpose" again! 

I am speaking at Clemson's University's Relay for Life this Friday. I still have to write what I am going to say, but I am looking forward to the experience! I am not someone who does a lot of public speaking, so fingers crossed I can do it! Put me in a classroom of kids and I have no problem, but put me in front of my peers and I freeze up!! Hopefully I won't, and even if I do, no one is gonna be the one person to laugh at my speech about my experience with cancer!

I will have my scans this Thursday (the 14), and I will meet with my doctor on Monday afternoon. It is going to be a LONG weekend! I will have a bone scan and a CT scan of my lungs. The CT scan is super quick (although they give you this contrast that makes it feel like you wet your pants! Gross, but that seriously is what they tell people and they are right!). The bone scan takes awhile because they have to give me dye through an IV and then I get to come home for three hours while the dye runs its course. Then we go back (luckily this happens at the hospital closer to our house!) and have the scan which is an hour or two. It is a long day! They schedule the scans for me, which I don't love (not just because it messes up my work schedule), but because I was hoping to avoid the weekend of waiting (my doctor doesn't work Fridays). I have peace about them, but can't help but be anxious. These are my first scans I have had since being off treatment this long. I truly am thankful for any good thoughts/prayers/wishes you can send my way! I would also appreciate any of those things for peace of mind while waiting :). I am hopeful it will all be well, but the unknown is so scary. It makes me sick to think about too much! That one meeting could change my life so drastically...I am praying my life looks the same at this point next week as it does right now! 

I cannot really think much past scans at the moment! My brain just kind of stops there. I will (hopefully) be so relieved once they are done. Please pray for good news!

I feel like I had so much more to say...that's what I get for trying to summarize everything in one post! I have a lot on my mind right now about a lot of different things. This post treatment world is great, but also different. I thought I had the mostly completed picture of what my future would look like (well at least the next few years), but cancer changed that. My puzzle was severely messed up and now pieces are missing and I have new ones on the table, but I am not sure how they fit. Hopefully I can figure it out once I get scans overwith! I feel like I am living my life in three month increments this year. Once I get this set overwith I get three more months (prayerfully) which sounds so good!

I promise to keep y'all updated about the results. I also will try to post here at least once or twice a month. I kind of like it as a record to look back on too!

Thanks again for all the love and support over this last year. I could not have made it without it! I hope everyone has a great rest of the week! 

I will leave you with some pictures!

I got new furniture so while I was putting my drawers back together, Stanley thought he would make himself comfortable :)

View from the balcony of where we stayed! 

Well, It Is March Again

Well friends, we are closing in on a year since D-Day.

I have a lot I want to say (as a matter of fact, I have started this post three previous times), but am struggling to share it. 

I get all nervous and sweaty when I think about March 16 showing up in the calendar again. Part of me wants to sleep the entire day and part of me feels like celebrating how far we have come from that day. I honestly have no idea how to feel or what to expect about that day. I know I have to go into the school to help with some testing they have going on, but other than that, I do not know what we will do.

Yesterday was the anniversary of my last normal day at college. I only went to one class the morning of the 16th and then never went back. It is USC's Spring Break this week, which is causing all sorts of PTSD (hate to compare it, but even my therapist agreed it is a form of it). Even the weather warming up recently has me remembering last year at this time. I absolutely hate it.

I am hoping the anticipation of the day is worse than the actual day. I think the days after will be sorta rough too. I know it can be hard to imagine if you have not experienced something like this (you might be thinking "it is just a day!"), and you are right, but it is also a huge marker in my life. March 15, 2015 was the last night I went to sleep as my old self. I am healthy now, but I will never be as healthy as I was (mentally at least) before March 16, 2015. I will never be the person I was before all of this again. I have always been sentimental about dates (I believed I have mentioned before that I remember lots of dates of all kinds of things), and this is just another one to get through.

Looking back, I honestly have no idea how I made it through those first few days. I do not remember all the details (thank goodness), but it is truly proof you can get through anything. How I made it through all those days, I have no clue. 

I remember last year at this time SO clearly. To think of all I had coming literally makes me nauseous. The Timehop app is a blessing and a curse. I love to see what I did in years past, but I also kinda hate it at the moment. Who knew last year at this time my sore knee was cancer??????

It is weird, I kinda miss it. Please do not take this in the wrong way. I absolutely 100% do NOT want to go back. Ever. I think I just became comfortable in that routine and having to figure out a new one is throwing me off. I do not miss chemo or hospitals or blood draws or anything at all. It is seriously a weird feeling. I am so thankful to be where I am, do not get me wrong. It is just an adjustment. I feel like I went to being sick to being out in the world, I do not feel like I ever really transitioned. I currently am trying to figure out a lot of things that I would not have ever imagined having to figure out. I thought I new what the next 3 years would look like, but it has all been flipped around and I do not really know where I am right now. 

I do know that I do freak out at every pain I get. Well not freak out, but my first thought is not one most people have. I can talk myself out of it (and has gotten better), but I hope that this goes away. It is almost a paralyzing feeing. I have come a long way, but I still have miles to go on this whole "getting back to normal" thing. I also sometimes eat something and expect my mouth to hurt. This happens especially with chips and other things that were hard to eat when I had them. It is so nice it does not actually hurt! 

Life is different now than it was before March 16 (duh). There has been some bad, but also so much good between now and then. I am thankful to have made it through this last year. And I thank you for sticking around as well! This recovery thing is still just as important as the fighting part. I still miss my old life and have moments of "what the heck happened??". It is absolutely crazy when I think about this last year. I feel like I had more to say, but it is not coming to me at the moment!

On an update front, (I do update my FB more often than this blog--Cancer Can't Drag Us Down-Strong and Sassie), there is not much to update on really! I got my port flushed and Lupron shot last week (took FOREVER as they recently got a new computer system and to say it is not going smoothly would be an understatement). I actually drove by the turn for the Cancer Center, which I took as a good sign! My port did not have blood return, but the nurse said we would try again next month. I do not really know why or what that means (and I don't think it matters much). I delivered some gift baskets to the nurses at the hospital a few weeks ago, and although it was weird being back, it did not hurt as much as I thought! I was super happy to leave without having to wait for discharge! It was so nice to see everyone and for them to see how well I am doing. It is amazing how good you can feel when you don

'T spend 3 weeks each months pumping poison in your body! I am still doing PT 3x a week and have come a long way! My energy comes back a little more each day. I am definitely less tired than I was a month ago! I also shaved my legs and started washing my hair again! I have full coverage and then some. I definitely do not think you would necessarily be able to tell I was sick. I do not really know what to do with it! Headbands are becoming uncomfortable, but I feel like it looks weird without one. I also have a weird cowlick going on, which I did not know I had! I will have scans sometime in April (I am guessing at the beginning), but there really is not much going on medically, thank goodness! I have waited a long time to report that! 

Please keep everyone fighting in your thoughts and prayers. Everyday people have their own "March 16ths". Some may not even know there's is coming. Last year at this time, I still had no idea. Cancer is a horrible, horrible disease. I beat it, but it still sucks!

Thank you for all the love this last year! You guys truly made it bearable. 

I hope everyone has a great week! I am off to get some dinner and watch the Bachelor (totally Team Lauren.....cannot WAIT for the finale next week! Thanks to my aunt and cousin for getting me addicted to it!). 

Now for some pictures :)

Yes that is a dog booster seat in the car and yes, I did purchase it! I cannot get the pic of him in t to upload but it is awesome! I accept the title crazy dog lady, but it truly is for safety too! He likes to sit on my lap while I drive, which is not recommended. This way, he is strapped in, safe, and can still stick his nose out the window :)

One of my cousins came to visit last weekend and we have such a nice visit!

We took Stanley to the dog park and he LOVES it!

Very first time voting!

An Idea List and Other Things

Not much has changed since my last post, but I felt like writing (aka avoiding my homework), so here we are!

I was recently asked what I would suggest a friend put in a chemo bag for someone she knew. I figured I would post my list here as well so others may find it helpful! I will say it definitely has a feminine influence (I mean I wrote it), but I am sure guys would like similar things!

Chemo Suggestion List (in no particular order):

1. Chapstick- my lips got SO chapped! I never experienced super dry skin, but my lips definitely got dry. I typically use Burt's Bees, but have found Blistex and Softlips to be good as well!

2. Some nice face wipes- When I was too tired to shower or take a bath, I liked to wipe down with some nice smelling face wipes. I also really liked to use them in the hospital to help freshen me up! Make sure they aren't makeup remover wipes...most brands have some that are more cleansing! I used the Say Yes to....brand. I like the blueberry! 

3. Evian Mineral Water facial spray- This was a new product I discovered! I know it sounds like a rip off, but it really made my face feel clean and soft! I also would use this as a body spray in the hospital or if I was too weak to shower. Anything that helps one feel clean in that situation is good! A little goes a long way too...I have had mine since the summer and it is still not empty! Also this could be useful to non chemo people too...it is a nice little refresher and it won't mess up your makeup! I found mine at Ulta...here is what the bottle looks like: 

4. Mints, Jolly Ranchers, or other hard candies- Sometimes chemo can taste bad going in or leave a funny taste in your mouth. We learned quickly to keep some Jolly Ranchers on hand after Methotrexate! 

5. Some nice stuff for the bath- I took a lot of baths because I was too weak to stand and shower (also because of my leg surgery). I had purchased some bath bombs and bath bars from Lush that made the bath so much nicer! I do not love baths, so it helped to have some stuff to make me like them! I also got a bath pillow off Amazon that suctioned to the tub that helped make baths more comfortable. I always love Bath and Body Works body gel and use that to make the bath water smell good!

6. Some body spray- I mentioned before that I did not use my good perfume during treatment. I did not want to ruin my favorite ones with bad memories! I went to Bath and Body Works and bought a few little body sprays in random scents to use in the mean time. 

7. Some fun cups- you are supposed to stay SUPER hydrated so I always had a cup with me. I found several cute ones at Target that had a rubbery straw that was easier to use when I had mouth sores. I do not know the brand, but I would recommend them for sure! You can find cute cups of all kinds almost anywhere! 

8. Sleep mask- I got one of these for my birthday, but how I wish I had gotten one sooner! I like to sleep in the dark, and this would have been SO helpful, especially in the hospital. It would also have come in handy for naps...you sleep a lot during chemo and a mask would be helpful for all the naps during the day! 

9. Fuzzy blankets or nice sheets -I LOVE blankets..probably because my house is always cold. You typically spend a lot more time in bed than usual, so I loved to have fuzzy blankets to snuggle under and some clean sheets! There is nothing better than clean sheets. I got 2 new sets during chemo since I spent so much time in bed...it cheered me up (plus my other sheets were quite old). 

10. Tote bags- I received one that said "kicking cancer's @$$" and I LOVED it! I used it as my main chemo bag. Whether packing to go spend the day at the Cancer Center or to go to the hospital, you can never have too many bags!

11. Of course, magazines (maybe a subscription?), fuzzy socks, cute hair bands, hand sanitizer, nail polish, movies, candles, etc are always good options too!

I would love to hear if anyone else has any other suggestions! I hope my list can be helpful. If I can ever be of more help message me on FB or let me know somehow!

In other news, life is good! I have had a cough/sore throat thing all week, so I haven't felt 100% but hopefully I can kick it soon! It is nice to not be freaking out about fevers or going to the hospital! It doesn't get worse, but I may go to the doctor next week if it doesn't seem to go away!

I have been keeping busy at the school and with babysitting! I am enjoying this weekend with nothing to do (besides homework). It is extremely cold so I am just fine with staying inside!

In fun news, I got a new car this past Monday! We had kind of been talking about it for awhile and then last week we went to look. I loved my first car, but it was very basic and had some bad memories associated with it. I am so thankful my dad was able to get a GREAT deal on a new car and am ready to make new memories with it! I never got a good picture of it, but here is what my dad sent me when he got it. It is a Hyundai Elantra GT (another hatchback!) and it is so cute! Plus it has some really cool features (obsessed with SirusXM radio). 

I have eyebrows and eyelashes again!!! I am SO HAPPY to have my eyebrows back! I also started wearing mascara this past week..my lashes are not full grown yet, but am SO glad to be able to wear mascara again (it is always my go to makeup product!). My had is still fuzzy and I actually had someone ask if I had cancer or if I cut my hair like that the other day (the person asking turned out to be another survivor). I don't think my hair looks on purpose, but it is cool other people may think so! It has allowed me to have some neat interactions with people when out, so that is a bright side. 

I don't have much else to report! I have some schoolwork to do, but my class ends this month so it will be nice to not have to worry about schoolwork for a little! 

I hope everyone has a great weekend and stays warm!

Life Post Chemo (One Month)

It has been awhile since I posted an update, so here we go...an update about life a little over a month post chemo!

It has been a very busy couple of weeks for me! A good busy though, and I am thankful to once again be leaving the house and getting to go places!

We had a little snowstorm last almost two weeks ago. We got ice and some snow, which was fun. I love snow days and I totally embraced them! I stayed inside and baked. I took Stanley out in the snow and he LOVED it! Not surprising, as the dog seems to love everything, but it was so cute! It is gonna be 67 tomorrow, so we will see if we get anymore winter weather this year!

I have been keeping busy!! I have been doing tons of errands. I am happy to say that I have reestablished my presence at Target. I have cleaned my room and gotten it back to how it "should" be. I did have to go get a new comforter as we had taken mine off and when I went to put it back on, it did not look nice. I know it is risky to have a white comforter, but I love it! I like my new one even better so all is well. It is nice to feel like my room is mine again and not my sick room!

I have been spending LOTS of time in the 2nd grade class! I love it and it makes me so excited for the future. I am not getting credit for school, but I do have to complete a project for my children's lit class. I forgot how exhausting it is to wake up early and jump into action! I love having a reason to get up and get dressed though. Plus, I am done by 2 so I still have a day once I finish. It is so much fun to be around kids again! I was worried about how they would react to my hair, but the kids have been so sweet. Everyone has really. I am thankful to have the opportunity to do this! It is such good experience and will definitely look good, even if I do not get credit for completing a practicum.

Speaking of my hair, it is coming in! I put on my shorts for PT the other day and it occurred to me that I should probably shave my legs..I haven't shaved since my surgery in August. I hate it, but it is one of those normal things I am happy to have back. My head is super fuzzy and you can definitely see it. I am waiting for coverage and cannot wait till you cannot see my scalp! I also have baby eyebrows and eye lashes!! PRAISE! I cannot WAIT till they are back full time. It is exciting to see it all come in! I have even started using conditioner in the shower!

I apologize for the super awkward pictures, but I wanted to illustrate haha! 

I also babysat for the first time since the summer last night! It is exciting to be at the point where not only can I take care of myself, I can now also take care of other people! I have missed it. I remember wondering if I would ever get back to that, and I am so happy to say I have.

I am still doing PT 2 to 3 times a week. I can see the improvements. I am walking so much better! Not 100%, but we are getting there. My leg hurts if I am on it all day, which I have been lately, but it is not gonna get better without some pain! I do look forward to the day my leg feels "normal" again. I know it will happen eventually!

Other than PT, I have stayed out of doctors offices! It is so weird, but nice, to not being at the doctors once a week. I did get my port flushed and my lupron injection last week. I do not think I will be back 

at the Cancer Center till the end of the month for my next flush and shot! 

I had an awesome 21st! My mom and I went out to brunch on Friday, where I had my first legal drink (a mimosa!). We did some shopping, then my family and I went to a fancy dinner that night. We splurged and ate and it was SO good! I tried wine and a cordial, but was not a fan of either. I may be the lamest 21 year old ever! I do plan to keep trying things though, I will acquire the taste!

Saturday, I knew one of my best friends was picking me up for dinner. She and I had made plans like earlier that week. What I did not know was that two of my other best friends had come home from Columbia to surprise me!! I walked into the restaurant and they were already at the booth! I am not often surprised (I am nosy), but I literally almost cried. We missed my other best friend who is in Scotland studying abroad. It was a lovely night and I was SOOOOOOOOO happy to get to celebrate with my friends. I had been so bummed about not seeing them and it meant the world that they drove up to celebrate! We enjoyed dinner then went to the Melting Pot for dessert. I am so unbelievably thankful for my friends! 

I believe I mentioned the drama with my license on my last post. Well, it turns out they cannot renew it because my eye exam is out of date. When we mailed the paperwork to renew it in the first time (back in December!), it was not. My chemo doctor told me not to get an eye exam until later this spring because chemo can mess with your eye site (it relaxes muscles or something). Problem is, insurance only covers one eye exam a year, so needless to say, this is quite an ordeal. We are hoping the eye doctor can do something that is not a full exam, just to satisfy the DMV. I personally find this ridiculous. I cannot be the only person who has had an issue like this! Nothing can ever just be easy! I am thankful, however, that this is now my biggest problem!

So, all in all, things are good. I feel great and am going and doing. I do get tired a bit more easily, so I sleep really well at night. I love bedtime! 

Life is resuming a version of normal and I am so thankful. Sometimes I read over old posts and am amazed at how far I have managed to come. I am so thankful! Life is not perfect, but it is good and I will never take it for granted again! I will say it is frustrating to feel so good, because I feel like I may overdo it some days. I want to go and do so much, but I have to pull back and remember that I still have recovering to do. It is all about balance and I am working to find what that means for me. 

The boys!

New bedding! No longer a "sick" bed

Birthday Pictures 2016!

first legal drink with friends!

Stanley and I took a trip to Petsmart to get him some low-fat food! The vet was not happy with his weight gain...I think he is perfect :). He loved the pet store, he was just mad I made him stay in the cart!

First legal drink!

I do not think this is a gross picture, but I thought I would post a picture of my scar, for documentation sake. I have shown people and they are surprised by how long it is! I do not love it and it will be interesting to see how it affects me once shorts are back in, but it could be so much worse so I will take it! It really doesn't look bad considering what was done!

The Big 2-1

Well, as of tomorrow (Friday the 29th) at 1:15pm I will no longer be 20 years old.

I am a big lover of birthdays. I love my own birthday almost as much as I love other people's birthdays. I think everyone should feel special every minute of their day. I love to decorate for parties and surprise people. Birthdays only come once a year and I am a total believer in celebrating as much as possible!

Needless to say, I am not spending my 21st birthday the way I imagined. I remember thinking about how cool it was that this birthday happened to fall on a Friday. Not that I ever planned to go out and party super hard, but I probably would have gone out with some friends to do some celebrating. Instead, I will go out with my mom for brunch and then my family and I are going to a nice dinner. I am just as happy to do that, it just wasn't what I had planned (but what about this past year was really ha!). I am still hoping for a fun day and a nice weekend. 

I have had some awesome birthdays the last few years. Two years ago (my first birthday at school), it snowed and classes were canceled! It was nice to have the day off and we braved the roads that night and went out for dinner. Last year was probably one of my favorite birthdays ever. My friends made it SO special from the second I woke up (literally one of my best friends stopped by my apartment on her way to class that morning and put balloons all over my floor and left me pancakes!) till the second I went to sleep. It was awesome. I am really, really, really going to miss them tomorrow. 

I can't type this post without some reflection of my 20th year. Not my favorite year to say the least. I experienced a lot and I think I really grew some as a person. I am kind mad I got somewhat robbed of my year, if I am being honest. I feel like I want a redo of being 20. It is kinda funny because I do not usually dread birthdays or getting older, but for some reason I had a hard time with 20. Maybe subconsciously somewhere I knew it was not going to be my best year? I don't know, but I feel a lot better about 21! 

On another note, my birthday last year was one of the last memories that sticks out before everything happened. I still have all the pictures we took on my phone because I just couldn't delete them. I had that we are getting into the "last year at this time" phase of this journey, but we are. It makes me sad, but also relieved to not be there. Just as everything so far has been, it is a weird feeling. 

So, I won't be celebrating my 21st like most people do. I spent enough time nauseous and dizzy these last ten months anyway ;)! I am still excited to turn 21. I have decided that turning 22 will actually be better (not just because the Taylor Swift song says so), but because all my friends will be of age by then. The majority of my close friends are not yet 21, so I think the real celebration will be next year anyway! 

Of course, my license expires tomorrow as well. This would happen the year I have NO HAIR on my birthday! At first they were going to make me take a new picture, but we found a nice lady when we called the DMV who agreed that would be ridiculous. Instead, I will be getting another five year license with my same picture on it. So yes, my 16 year old self will be on my license till I am 26! Just a small thing that is not something many would think about, but I had to! 

Speaking of hair, all I really want for my birthday is a bit more coverage and my eyebrows and eyelashes back! I have some baby hairs coming in and my head is fuzzy, but I would really like my head to be covered! Plus it is cold! 

So *cheers* to 21. May it be filled with fun and friends and NO hospital visits or sickness! I feel like I should have some deeper thoughts on this subject, but I spent all day in the second grade class I am working with so I am exhausted! Maybe I will have some more thoughts after I get some sleep! 

Obviously the Bachelor drama isn't enough to keep Stanley's attention.

Not the best picture, but he fell asleep like that! In my arms! I was so happy!

I love everything about this picture

This is his "seriously a button up shirt AND a bow tie?" face

:)

Just thought I would include some pictures from my birthday dinner last year! I hope to have hair that long again soon!

A List of Advice I am Sharing

Full disclaimer for this post before I go any further:

I truly debated whether or not I would actually post something like this, but several people encouraged me to just do it! I just want to say that this is from MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE and OPINION. I did not title this post "what people with cancer do not want to hear" specifically because I do not know what other cancer patients do not want to hear. I only know from my own experience going through what I did. I also 100% do not mean to call anyone out or offend anyone at all! I honestly have no specific incidents in mind for any of this, just simply looking at things overall. I know I have definitely said or done some of these things before I went through this. This post is NOT meant to make anyone feel bad or apologize (mainly because if you had done one of these things I probably do not even remember so no need to bring it up again ;) ). I totally understand it can be hard to know what to do or say. I really do get that everything is said with good intentions. I hope you read this post with humor and understanding :).

Moving on!

In no particular order, here is my list of "guidelines" for people who know someone with cancer:

1. "There's a reason for this", "everything happens for a reason"", "maybe you can help someone else in the future", etc you get the gist. Listen, I used to believe the everything happens for a reason quote. I still kinda do. BUT that is so not what I wanna hear while lying in the hospital bed waiting for chemo. Whether true or not, it is hard to focus on those things while sitting in the chemo clinic while all your regular college aged friends are ya know AT COLLEGE where you used to be. I LOVE helping people. I have always liked the idea of being able to help someone (fits my teacher persona). I am happy I can help people down the road, but going through what I did simply for the reason of maybe being able to help someone down the road was not all that convincing at the time. "You have mouth sores so bad you are in ICU, but don't worry because down the road you can help someone!". See how that just doesn't work? I know those words come with love, but maybe just keep them in your head!  Or feel free to share if you know what the reason is or how I will help someone! That would have been better to hear :).

2. Please do not tell me what I should or need to be doing. Unless you are one of my doctors, I do not really care to hear what YOU believe I need to be doing/eating/drinking. You get cancer and all of a sudden everyone is a doctor! I am open to tips and suggestions, for sure. I learned and used a lot of extremely helpful things by people suggesting them to me. If you approach it in a way where it comes off like you are telling me what to do, I do not appreciate that. Instead, try "I suggest blah blah blah" or "You could try blah blah blah". I consider myself pretty open minded and I am always down to hear what people have to say, just don't boss me around unless you are being paid to ;).

3. Along that same line, I truly do consider myself open to hearing about pretty much anything (unless you are trying to tell me why Trump would make a good president...then I would block my ears and run away). I am not a "crunchy" lets all hold hands and sing kumbaya kind of person. I trust modern medicine and I like gluten. I do like to use natural type products when I can, but that Tom's brand deodorant gave me a terrible reaction, so I will stick to my Secret, even if it isn't made from only soap and lavender essential oils.  If you wanna tell me your theory on how to cure cancer, I am all ears. I will smile and nod politely, like I often do when my mom launches into a long story, but in my head I am probably thinking about Harry Styles. If you want to tell me how your sister's best friend's mom's hairdresser's nephew's girlfriend cured her cancer with some special leaf that is only found in the remote forests of South America, I will listen happily and celebrate the success. I can remain polite and think you are totally crazy (kidding!). I know it is said with good intentions, and I appreciate that (plus I like to learn knew things), but I trust my oncologist and surgeon 100%. They are some of the smartest people I know. I truly do not see how anyone who has personal experience in oncology would believe that "cancer is a business" and they are holding out on curing it so people can continue to make money. I am pretty sure most doctors with a heart would much rather be slightly more poor instead of delivering the news they do each day. If that is your opinion that is fine, but please do not share that with me!

4. "Keeping fighting!" or "stay strong!"...like as opposed to what? What am I gonna do just stop? I know those are common tag lines, and I get it, but seriously who thought of those? First off, I never really felt like I was "fighting". It wasn't like I could feel the chemo and cancer cells having a wrestling match in my body. I am not sure I totally like the word fighting at all, but whatever. I just never got that saying because I wasn't going to just "stop fighting". Did I want to? Absolutely, but "keep fighting" does not mean much to me.

5. Say SOMETHING! Honestly, I totally understand that it is extremely hard to know what to say in tough situations. You do not want to say the wrong thing or maybe you don't want to insert yourself in a situation where you stand on the outside of the circle. I totally 100% understand. I get super awkward when I am put in unfortunate situations. I personally have found that I was happy to hear ANYTHING from ANYONE over the course of my treatment. It is so easy now, in these days especially. I am not expecting page long messages from anyone, but a simple "thinking of you" or "hope it is going well" every once in awhile means more than you know. Even if I don't answer, I just enjoyed hearing from people. Don't worry if you haven't talked in years or weren't close. It just means a lot to know people are thinking of you. I have heard differing opinions on this...that those who are not close do not want to seem like they are inserting themselves, but I can promise that from my POV, it would not be like that. I like to hear SOMETHING over nothing at all!

6. I pray I do not come off sounding ungrateful after writing this, as that is SO not my intention! I want to share my experience, so that is what I am doing. I have been SO INCREDIBLY blessed to receive SO many kind gifts from SO many people. I did a terrible job with thank you notes (in fact, I just found a stack that never got addressed...PLEASE forgive me). I am grateful for everything I received as it truly cheered me up. So, here is my word of advice: The beginning days of this (back in March and April) were SO overwhelming. I was overwhelmed with the news, with telling people, figuring out a plan, etc. I received so many gifts at the beginning, it too became overwhelming. I was also extremely lucky in that I received the occasional package here and there throughout  treatment, but I wish the beginning gifts had been more spread out. PLEASE do not hear this the wrong way! I totally get that when you get bad news people just want to do something to make it better. I understand that completely. I was so thankful that anyone spent their time and money and thought of me! I enjoyed getting packages, and I think it would have been cool to have them spread out. I know you cannot tell people when to get you things, but if you should find yourself knowing someone facing a diagnosis, maybe send a card or something small and send the package a few months down the line once things have calmed down. It makes your day to know people are thinking of you!

7. Do not be needy! And be forgiving! I felt I did an okay job of keeping everyone updated on things. I did this to avoid having to send a million personal calls, emails, texts, etc. If the information is out there, do your best to find it. Don't require or make the person feel bad if they do not answer your texts! I am not talking about forgiving bad behavior or unforgivable things, but do not hold it against me if I miss your call or do not answer your message or do not want to visit that day. I sometimes get an overwhelming amount of messages. I read them all and think "oh yeah I need to reply", then I get distracted. I did a good job of this earlier, but lately I have gotten lazy! I have texts I never answered that I need to and I have done a terrible job of responding on Facebook! Please forgive me! (and do not be surprised if you get some notifications that I responded to you on old posts!). I truly read every message and appreciate them more than words!

8. Please do not start a conversation with me and then proceed to tell me all about all your family members who have died of cancer. Cancer is a terrible disease, and yes, sometimes people die from it. That is a fact that no one is oblivious to. However, while in the midst of cancer treatment, I do not want to hear all about your grandma who died of this cancer or your cousin who died of that one. I am deeply sorry and will give you my condolences, but that is just not something I want to hear about. That was their story and my story is my story. Cancer sucks, but I have a positive outlook and would like to talk about other things :).

9. Do not stare at me in the store!!!!! If you are curious or want to know, just ask! I know it is not a "normal" situation, but please do not stare at me. I get kids do, but they are young and are still learning. There is no excuse for the adults in stores I go into to stare at me. I will happily talk to you about my experience and raise awareness. I really want to carry around cards to hand out to people that I catch staring. If you are going to stare, at least smile! Humph...some people!

10. Do not stop sharing your life with me!!! I am happy to hear about your life. I know it may seem awkward because you don't want to sound like you are complaining or whatever, but I always like to stay connected! Just because I have cancer doesn't mean I can't sympathize your problems with you. Just do not try to make it sound like writing a paper is as bad as mouth sores or chemo and we will be fine :)!


I think that is it for today! Should I come up with more, I will add a part two!  My next post will have to be on what I learned through this experience, so we can all share in our learning together! I hope you can find pieces of this post that are helpful. I will be happy to share my experience or answer any questions should you ever have any!! All in all, I am truly blessed with EXCELLENT people in my life. It made going through this crappy ordeal so, so, so much easier!

All the love to all of you!

Cancer Free...Now What?

As of today, January 13, 2016, I am officially CANCER FREE!

I had a bone scan and a CT scan on Monday. We met with my doctor this afternoon and learned that (thankfully...so thankfully) the scans were CLEAR! 

My doctor walked in the room and the first words out of his mouth were "looks great!"! Then we high fived and he had to leave to take a phone call, so we got to process the info. While there was no reason to think that anything would show up, you truly never know. I had peace about it, but then would "go there" so it has been a long 3 days. I am excited that I can actually breathe and sleep tonight!! It is SUCH a weight off. I am more grateful than words can say.

So, now you may be wondering what comes next. While my role in the cancer world is now a lot smaller, I will never completely be out.

I will be scanned every 3 months for the first year (the bone and CT scan). Assuming those are all good, I will then move to be scanned every 6 months for the second and third year. After that, it becomes annually. My next set of scans will be in April!

I still have my port. My doctor recommends keeping it in for 6 months just incase I should ever need fluids or something. He said it truly is up to me, but I see no reason to rush it out. It will be another small procedure, so I would rather focus on feeling good and getting back on my feet anyway! Plus, winter clothes do a nice job of covering it! I don't really mind covering it up, but I do not love how it looks with tank tops. I may consider asking him if it is okay to take it out when it starts to warm up and tank tops become a thing again! In the meantime, it isn't bothering me so I will just leave it.

The port does have to be flushed every 6 weeks or so just to make sure it stays clean and doesn't become a source of infection. This will require a super quick visit to the clinic. I also will continue to get my lupron injections till at least March. This also requires a trip to the clinic, so I can hopefully do both these things on one visit! 

So while I won't be going to the clinic as often or for treatment, I will still be spending some time there! I am okay with that though. I have made a lot of friends there and I will be excited for them to see me well!

Like I said above, my next office visit/scans will be in April. It will be SO weird to not see my doctor for that long!! A good weird though, for sure. 

Until then, I will still be busy!! I am taking one online course this semester. I start PT back up on Monday. I am currently scheduled for three days a week through early February, but that could change. My doctor said today he isn't even sure what the PT will do to me! I still walk slowly and with a bit of a limp, but it has come so far! I think it will be good still just to strengthen it a bit more. I would like to be able to walk fast/run again at some point! 

I have my trimonthly (is that a thing?) ECHO on Tuesday. Assuming all is well, I will have one more this summer. One of the chemo drugs can cause issues months later, so they do one 6 months after you finish chemo. Hopefully all is still good there!

I have always been lucky to know and keep in touch with lots of teachers. One of them is my brother's kindergarten teacher/my old boss/my mom's friend. She teaches at one of the local elementary schools and has offered me to come volunteer in her class! I don't get any credit for school, but look forward to it as something to do! I plan to start as soon as I have a bit more hair on my head...just to avoid having to answer a million kids' questions (shallow I know, but hey I know how kids are!). 

I will also be spending some MUCH needed time with the sweet kids I usually nanny in the summer! We have A LOT of time to make up for and I am SO excited!! I saw them last week for the first time since November and the little girl said "I am glad you are back!!!!". Me too, me too.

I also have some ideas of things I would like to do to contribute to the world of young adult cancer. I have big ideas, just need to figure out how to execute them! I have said all along that I want to make something good come of this. There was just too much suffering for there not to be good.

Other than that, there are a few little trips my mom and I would like to take. I really just plan on embracing FEELING GOOD and being free of doctors or worries about counts. I have to remember what it is like to be a well person again! It may take some time, but I am excited to have the chance!!  I am also SO excited for my hair to be coming in! My head is pretty fuzzy, but doesn't cover yet. I am waiting for my eyebrows and eyelashes to return...I am not a fan of my face without them!

I feel like I can actually celebrate now. The end of chemo doesn't mean anything if the scans are not good, but now I know they are so we can celebrate! My family and I are going out to dinner tomorrow and then who knows what else I will do. My birthday (21st!) Is in 2 weeks so that is exciting too.

I did errands by myself for the first time since the summer last week! I am also back to driving around. It feels SO good to have that back. Little by little, normal is coming back.

I am not gonna lie, I was totally terrified to find out the scan results today. I don't think that feeling will ever go away. I have no reason to ever think anything, but you seriously just never know. I got a bit sad last night thinking about how this is my life now. I do not wanna have to stress like that about whether this cancer could return. I am so scared I will get used to normal, only to have it ripped away again. I want my old life back...the one where I did not have to worry about scans. I hope this feeling gets better with time, it wouldn't surprise me if it does. 

I am so so so thankful to have gotten good news today (and all along really). I know there are so many who don't get good news, and I do not take it for granted. I was so prepared to hear anything at all today. My thoughts and prayers continue to go to all the people who are going through this awful disease. It truly sucks and is so unfair. I will never understand why some have it so much worse than others. I hope that everyone gets their "January 13ths" and that those that don't have peace. Cancer still sucks! 

I also hope and pray for many more days like today for me. May I feel this relieved after every scan result! 

Thank you so much for all the love and support over these last almost ten months. We truly would not have made it without you. I hope you will still keep up here and please let me know if you ever need anything. 

I will end with words I have waited since March 16 to say:

I AM CANCER FREE. I BEAT CANCER. I AM A CANCER SURVIVOR.  

So much love to you all!