Well, It Is March Again

Monday, March 7, 2016

Well friends, we are closing in on a year since D-Day.

I have a lot I want to say (as a matter of fact, I have started this post three previous times), but am struggling to share it. 

I get all nervous and sweaty when I think about March 16 showing up in the calendar again. Part of me wants to sleep the entire day and part of me feels like celebrating how far we have come from that day. I honestly have no idea how to feel or what to expect about that day. I know I have to go into the school to help with some testing they have going on, but other than that, I do not know what we will do.

Yesterday was the anniversary of my last normal day at college. I only went to one class the morning of the 16th and then never went back. It is USC's Spring Break this week, which is causing all sorts of PTSD (hate to compare it, but even my therapist agreed it is a form of it). Even the weather warming up recently has me remembering last year at this time. I absolutely hate it.

I am hoping the anticipation of the day is worse than the actual day. I think the days after will be sorta rough too. I know it can be hard to imagine if you have not experienced something like this (you might be thinking "it is just a day!"), and you are right, but it is also a huge marker in my life. March 15, 2015 was the last night I went to sleep as my old self. I am healthy now, but I will never be as healthy as I was (mentally at least) before March 16, 2015. I will never be the person I was before all of this again. I have always been sentimental about dates (I believed I have mentioned before that I remember lots of dates of all kinds of things), and this is just another one to get through.

Looking back, I honestly have no idea how I made it through those first few days. I do not remember all the details (thank goodness), but it is truly proof you can get through anything. How I made it through all those days, I have no clue. 

I remember last year at this time SO clearly. To think of all I had coming literally makes me nauseous. The Timehop app is a blessing and a curse. I love to see what I did in years past, but I also kinda hate it at the moment. Who knew last year at this time my sore knee was cancer??????

It is weird, I kinda miss it. Please do not take this in the wrong way. I absolutely 100% do NOT want to go back. Ever. I think I just became comfortable in that routine and having to figure out a new one is throwing me off. I do not miss chemo or hospitals or blood draws or anything at all. It is seriously a weird feeling. I am so thankful to be where I am, do not get me wrong. It is just an adjustment. I feel like I went to being sick to being out in the world, I do not feel like I ever really transitioned. I currently am trying to figure out a lot of things that I would not have ever imagined having to figure out. I thought I new what the next 3 years would look like, but it has all been flipped around and I do not really know where I am right now. 

I do know that I do freak out at every pain I get. Well not freak out, but my first thought is not one most people have. I can talk myself out of it (and has gotten better), but I hope that this goes away. It is almost a paralyzing feeing. I have come a long way, but I still have miles to go on this whole "getting back to normal" thing. I also sometimes eat something and expect my mouth to hurt. This happens especially with chips and other things that were hard to eat when I had them. It is so nice it does not actually hurt! 

Life is different now than it was before March 16 (duh). There has been some bad, but also so much good between now and then. I am thankful to have made it through this last year. And I thank you for sticking around as well! This recovery thing is still just as important as the fighting part. I still miss my old life and have moments of "what the heck happened??". It is absolutely crazy when I think about this last year. I feel like I had more to say, but it is not coming to me at the moment!

On an update front, (I do update my FB more often than this blog--Cancer Can't Drag Us Down-Strong and Sassie), there is not much to update on really! I got my port flushed and Lupron shot last week (took FOREVER as they recently got a new computer system and to say it is not going smoothly would be an understatement). I actually drove by the turn for the Cancer Center, which I took as a good sign! My port did not have blood return, but the nurse said we would try again next month. I do not really know why or what that means (and I don't think it matters much). I delivered some gift baskets to the nurses at the hospital a few weeks ago, and although it was weird being back, it did not hurt as much as I thought! I was super happy to leave without having to wait for discharge! It was so nice to see everyone and for them to see how well I am doing. It is amazing how good you can feel when you don
'T spend 3 weeks each months pumping poison in your body! I am still doing PT 3x a week and have come a long way! My energy comes back a little more each day. I am definitely less tired than I was a month ago! I also shaved my legs and started washing my hair again! I have full coverage and then some. I definitely do not think you would necessarily be able to tell I was sick. I do not really know what to do with it! Headbands are becoming uncomfortable, but I feel like it looks weird without one. I also have a weird cowlick going on, which I did not know I had! I will have scans sometime in April (I am guessing at the beginning), but there really is not much going on medically, thank goodness! I have waited a long time to report that! 

Please keep everyone fighting in your thoughts and prayers. Everyday people have their own "March 16ths". Some may not even know there's is coming. Last year at this time, I still had no idea. Cancer is a horrible, horrible disease. I beat it, but it still sucks!

Thank you for all the love this last year! You guys truly made it bearable. 

I hope everyone has a great week! I am off to get some dinner and watch the Bachelor (totally Team Lauren.....cannot WAIT for the finale next week! Thanks to my aunt and cousin for getting me addicted to it!). 

Now for some pictures :)

Yes that is a dog booster seat in the car and yes, I did purchase it! I cannot get the pic of him in t to upload but it is awesome! I accept the title crazy dog lady, but it truly is for safety too! He likes to sit on my lap while I drive, which is not recommended. This way, he is strapped in, safe, and can still stick his nose out the window :)
One of my cousins came to visit last weekend and we have such a nice visit!

We took Stanley to the dog park and he LOVES it!
Very first time voting!