Well, I noticed it Saturday, but it wasn't unmanageable or anything. I still styled it and went out as usual. By Sunday though, it was coming out a lot. I left it alone and laid around the majority of the day. Sunday night I needed to wash it and that is when it really went downhill. It basically dried in one big clump. Monday morning came and it was completely unmanageable. I had an appointment with my hair lady on Friday anyway, but I had my mom text her ASAP because I could not wait. Luckily, she was able to fit me in that afternoon. She cut it shorter than it has ever been (just below my chin). It still was coming out, but at least now it wasn't getting tangled.
Each day since then has gotten progressively worse. I still have length, but you can totally tell at the top of my head that hair is falling out. I don't think whatever is left will last much longer. I have put all my hair products away for now. I am simply rinsing it and putting in leave in stuff. There is not much point in doing anything else. Once it starts coming out, it seriously comes out.
I would be lying if I said this has been easy. I am pretty sure I have cried just about everyday since Sunday. Not just tiny little tears, but like full on long sob sessions. I cried in the chair before getting my hair cut. It sucks for so many reasons. Before I go any further, I want to say I know it is just hair. I get that. In the scheme of things, this is nothing. It will come back. Knowing these things, does not make this any easier. It is another loss in this process that I am trying to figure out how to deal with.
I feel like I don't recognize myself. Even when my hair was just short but still mostly there. I am not a short hair person. I have been trying to grow my hair long for the last few years. I look in the mirror and see the port and the short hair and I just get sad. That is not me. I don't know who this person is or how to be her. Quite frankly, I don't want to figure out how to be her. I don't want to be this person. I don't want to look sick. I don't want the stares and the pity I am sure come with having no hair. Nothing screams "you have cancer" more than a bald head.
I know that nothing on the inside is changing. Just because I won't have hair doesn't make me a different person. I think that is easier for other people to see than me. Not that looks are everything, but I feel like I need my hair to be pretty or at least be myself. What 20 year old female (or any female or person really) wants to be bald?! I feel like I don't see myself when I look into the mirror. I know I will adjust to it. Right now though, it takes a lot to get out of bed in the morning.
I feel like there are so many little losses (temporarily, but it is still a loss) that I didn't even think about. I typically do my whole shower routine around my hair washing. Since I don't have to do that anymore, I lost that routine. I love finding new products to try on my hair. I had actually just purchased some recently that I barely got to use. I take good care of my hair and to see what it looks like now is just disheartening.
I also don't know how to go to normal things. It is a weird feeling, so I am not sure I can describe it. I kind of feel like I don't know how to go out into the world as this new person. I don't know how to get in my car and go do errands as a bald (or mostly bald) person. I know it didn't actually change anything, but for me it feels like it did. I feel good so looking in the mirror is just a reminder that things aren't normal and that I am actually sick. I feel like home is my little bubble where I feel safe. I know that is not good and I need to get out (and I will), but I have to figure out how to reenter the world.
It has been a rough few days. No one can prepare you to see clumps of your hair coming out. Besides just being horrifying to see, it is itchy and uncomfortable. I know a lot of people may just shave their head or whatever, but I don't think I can do that. The shorter length is manageable so that is what I am doing right now. It is not even coming out evenly though, so one side is visibly thinner than the other side.
I am so thankful for my awesome hair lady. I have been going to her for years so she knows my hair and understands. She knows how hard this is for me and told me she is on standby for whatever I need.
I did buy a wig, so I have that on hand. It is actually similar to the length of my hair currently. I thought I would go long, but the long ones just felt too fake. The color is super similar to mine and has some highlights, which I had been wanting to get anyway. I am glad to have it. I know wigs are not the most comfortable thing, but I am glad to have it should I ever want to wear it.
So it has been a rough few days emotionally. I know this will pass and I will get used to it, but I can't help the fact that this just sucks. I want my life back, I want my hair back. I don't want to be doing any of this. It is just sad. It doesn't bother me every minute of everyday, but it is something that is hard to ignore. I know it is going to get a little worse before it gets better too. It just sucks. Cancer and chemo are bad enough, why does your hair have to fall out?
I hope this post wasn't too big of a downer. I just want to be honest when sharing my feelings, and I honestly having nothing good to say about this hair situation. It is so much harder than I expected it to be.
On the update front, I am about to head to my doctor's appointment. I don't think they are doing anything besides giving me my hospital orders. I will be in the hospital Monday-either Wednesday or Thursday the next two weeks for chemo. I cannot say I am looking forward to that! I have also developed a pretty bad cough this week that is making my throat hurt. I am not sure if it is allergies or from chemo, but I am hoping they can give me something today to help with that.
Thanks for all the continued love and support. This hair thing is just another thing that I will adjust to and then it will be over. I know it is bad to wish time away, but I can't help but be happy for each day that passes as it gets me closer to being done with this!
I hope you all have a great weekend!
I can't pretend to understand, because I haven't been where you are. But I have had several friends go through losing their hair due to chemo, and each one handled it differently. One had her head shaved even before her first chemo treatment so that she wouldn't have to see it fall out. She mostly wore a wig after that. One friend of mine wore a hat until her hair grew back. Her hair grew back so thick and shiny and luxurious and beautiful, that I was jealous! And another friend of mine, a real fashionista, managed to tie gorgeous scarves around her head every day and go to work. She looked amazing! At that time, she worked at a boutique kind of store, so with her boss's blessing, she began holding seminars in the store to teach ladies how to tie scarves!
ReplyDeleteAnd yet another friend tried to make light of her hair loss and joked about it all the time. I don't think there's anything light about it. It is heavy and hard. But it is also temporary, and I know that you will bounce back, even better than before!
Love and prayers,
Linda
Sending love and hugs to you, Samantha, and I'm right there with you in celebrating the passage of each day that puts you that much closer to being through with all this. Sharee
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