Here Goes Nothing

Well, here we are.

I never thought that I would need a blog for something like this. I always figured if I had one at all, it would be because I would be married to Harry Styles and using it as an update for all of the adoring fans. So to say this is unexpected would be a huge understatement.

I started a blog not only to keep people updated (which will be super helpful and much easier than sending out texts to everyone), but also as a way to sort through my thoughts. I currently have a lot of them in my head.

 I decided to call this blog "Beautiful to Me" because I want to focus on the things that are just that. I don't want this to be a cancer blog. I don't want to become the "girl with cancer". Yes, that is now something that I have to deal with, but it is just a small part of my life. I will get through this and move forward. I am going to need some distractions and I don't want to get sucked into a new identity . I am still me and plan on staying that way.

You know what is beautiful to me? The people in my life. I cannot even express how thankful I am for every single message people have sent me. Although I wish the circumstances were different, I have never appreciated such kindness and love in people. Thank you is all I can possibly say, but know that it means so so so much more to me. Every message, prayer, offer, everything. I have joined a new team, not one I wanted to be on, but I could not be happier with the people behind me.

So that brings us to yesterday, March 16, 2015 aka the worst day of my life so far. I have had some knee pain the last couple weeks, just when I bend down. I went to my regular doctor last Thursday where they did some x-rays. Nothing showed up, my doctor told me to do some exercises, and sent me on my way. That afternoon, they called me back and said the radiologist saw some densities and they wanted me to have an MRI. The following day (Friday) I went for my MRI. Then it was the weekend and the end of my spring break so I returned back to school Sunday afternoon.

Monday the 16th, I woke up as usual at 6:45. I was super unhappy to be up at that hour once again, but I made my toast for breakfast and headed off to class. As I was walking to my car after class, the doctor's office calls me and tells me they want to meet with me and my parents to discuss the MRI. I knew then that it wasn't great news, but I never expected this.

The rest of the day is kind of a blur. I drove back to Greenville and went from doctor to doctor. I got lots of words thrown at me. I am still trying to process everything. I feel like I was lifted up by a tornado and have yet to be set down. I go through waves of accepting my new reality and mourning everything I used to know. I know it is not all gone, but it is just a change and anyone who knows me know I am not good at change. I know I will adapt and this will be a thing I do and then hopefully be done with. It is just going to take some getting used to.

Now what we know:
My doctor is awesome. He is an orthopedic oncologist and is one of few in the country (and thankfully happens to be in Greenville!). He said that this is the smallest one he has ever seen and that the location is favorable for surgery. He was extremely upbeat and positive during our meeting. He pressed on my leg and it did not hurt. I am not walking with a limp. It is probably the best version of the worst news.  I am looking at a couple of cycles of chemo then some surgery and possibly more chemo. I meet with the chemo doctor next week to figure out a plan.

I have a bone scan and a chest CT scan tomorrow to check for spread. I am praying that it has not spread, or if it has it is minimal. The biggest concern with this disease is that it spreads to my lungs or other bones. The less spread the better! Then Friday I have a biopsy. They will go in and get some of the tumor/nodule out to test and confirm the diagnoses. Thankfully I will be asleep for that!

It is going to be a long ride. I am fully aware of that. It is not going to be fun. I know. I've seen the movies and read books. This is not something anyone would choose. I feel extremely positive about everything. I will do what I have to do and get better and back to my life. This is just a detour.

Now questions. I know there are lots of them. Heck, I still have lots of them. As far as school goes, I have emailed my advisor to see what she suggests. My doctor said I could continue online, but that I will probably not be up to it. I am hoping I will not have to repeat this whole semester and then be behind. Seriously hoping. Obviously I will not be returning in the next couple of weeks. I am dealing with this the best way I can, but I am broken hearted. Anything that has crossed your mind has probably also crossed mine.

I would just like to say, please do not google this. I was told not to, and I have resisted. There is no point. There are facts out there, but they vary case by case. I am simply listening to my doctors and that is it. I encourage you all to do the same!

It is kind of crazy how life throws things at you. I thought my biggest stress this week was going to be a paper due Wednesday and going to math office hours. I never thought I would miss my simple school routines, but I do. Enjoy the everyday because it is beautiful.

Please also don't be hesitated to reach me. If I don't feel like talking, texting back, etc. I simply won't, but do not let that stop you or offend you. I love hearing from people and it makes my day.

I am sure there are 1000 more things to say, but my mind is kind of racing. I also apologize for any typos in this post, like I said, my mind is not exactly "there" today.

I find great comfort in lyrics and quotes, so I think I will end with one. Thank you for reading and taking the time to think of me. I will never be able to thank you enough.

“It's just that...I just think that some things are meant to be broken. Imperfect. Chaotic. It's the universe's way of providing contrast, you know? There have to be a few holes in the road. It's how life is.” 
― Sarah Dessen, The Truth About Forever