So Chemo

Funny how I pre-apologized for over blogging, only to go a very long stretch without it! Well, I am going to go ahead and apologize for the length of this post! I have emerged from my chemo (coma? state? funk? whatever you want to call it) with lots to say.

First off, the question everyone has been asking me, how do you feel? Are you feeling better? Wait, I guess that's two questions. My answer? I guess. It honestly changes so fast it is hard for me to say. Do I feel better than Monday-Wednesday of last week? Yes! Am I 100% myself now? No. Monday-Wednesday last week I was pretty drugged and tired. I would say Thursday was the absolute worst day, but it is also the day I felt myself remerge a bit. The rest of the days have good moments and bad, luckily the good ones are starting to become longer. It has no pattern or anything to it. I could literally send a text saying I'm fine and then one second later be totally sick and clutching my new bff (sorry y'all), the silver bedside bowl.

This chemo stuff is no joke. Dr. B reminded me again yesterday that no one back in that infusion room is getting anything worse than the two drugs I am getting. They really load you up when you are young because you can handle it (but can I really is my question). It sucks. Bad. Why it is 2015 and this is the best we can do I have no idea. Don't get me wrong, I am extremely thankful for it. It is gonna fix me, but that does not mean the side effects don't suck. A lot. I am not sure I can emphasize that enough.

Sure there are lots of great medicines (and many of them do work) to help with the side effects. But you know what is really hard to do when your throat hurts and feels like it is covered in layers of thick stuff (sorry for the details but they are reality)? Swallow pills. My taste is all messed up. Everything tastes the same, but occasionally I can taste some salt. I still can't keep much down. I am encouraged to eat when I feel good, so I am, but it is really hard knowing that it probably won't stay down. I'm really hoping this changes soon, because I think as soon as I can get some food in me I will really start to feel better.

Sleep is good. And it is happening a lot. Apparently some people don't sleep? Man, I am not having that problem at all! I am usually a night owl. I will stay up till 4am for no reason at all. Lately, I have been going to sleep at like 8. I think one night I made it to 11 and was about to throw a party. I also seem to have the sleeping schedule of an infant some days because I require several naps throughout the day. I know a lot of it is the nausea meds make you drowsy, but this is probably the best my sleeping schedule has been in years!


So it has been a hard week and a half to say the least. I never really expected to go from being so on my own to being so dependent on my parents again. I am super (super!) thankful they are there, but it is still just something I have to adjust to. There were times over this past week where I couldn't even make it to the bathroom (that is connected to my room so literally 5 steps away from my bed) without getting lightheaded and needing to lie down. That's a long way to come from someone who was living in her own apartment an hour and a half away just a few months ago. And it is hard. And it sucks. A lot. I really don't like that word, but there really isn't any other word that sums up this situation.

I feel like now that I've done the first one I'm ready for the last one. It is kind of like the first day of school. You go, you kind of feel like you wanted to be back, but after that first day you are ready for summer. That's how I feel. Plus I think now that I see how it is going to go, I can taste how much sweeter the end of this will be. I want that day SO badly. I still have times, even while laying in bed completely nauseous, that I cannot believe this is actually happening.

Have you ever had those dreams you feel so happy to wake up from? I used to have dreams about something bad happening or something and being so relieved to wake up. Well, now I can't get that. I can't wake up from this. I want to so badly. Half of my heart still wants my doctor to walk in the room and tell me it was all a mistake. I am not sure if that part will ever get any easier.

This specific date is one I had marked in my calendar, probably all the way back in August. May 5. It was the day of my last final and I was going to come home for the summer. I cannot express enough how sad I am that it is not happening like that. I LOVE summer. I LOVE coming home for the summer. It just isn't fair. I am so angry. I want my normal carefree summer. I know the summers I am used to are limited anyway because we are all getting older and getting jobs, so why did I have to lose out on this one? I know this summer won't be a total wash, but it won't be the summer I expected to have. It just sucks.

I had my labs done yesterday and my counts came back great. The doctor was very happy with them. He said some of them are even higher than they usually expect. I am at no greater risk for infection and am free to go and do as I feel able. Hopefully I feel able soon! I will get my next treatment in the hospital the week of the 18. Probably 3 or 4 days in patient, then home three or four days then repeat the next week. He called the hospital chemo the easy stuff so my fingers are crossed for whatever that means!

Thanks again for all the love, cards, messages, basically everything. Now that I feel better, I am seriously going to get going on my list of thank you notes!

No real exciting plans for the rest of the week. I am hopefully going to start feeling better and spend time with my friends who are home for the summer!! My goal for the end of the week is to leave the house. I haven't been to a store in over a week. That is probably a new personal record, and not a good one! I have not looked at stocks or the economy, but I would like to apologize for any harm my being under the weather has done. The last thing this country needs is another recession, and I promise from now on to keep up my part! This chemo stuff did a number on me, but I hope it is doing even worse things to those crappy cancer cells!

All the love to all of you!

P.S. It wouldn't be like me if I didn't give a big shout out to the new Royal Princess! I love all things royal family and have celebrated every event accordingly! I am pretty sure as soon as Silver Bedside Bowl is done being my bff, Kate Middleton will take its place. I must get on the celebration for Princess Charlotte Elizabeth Diana. I am SO excited it is a girl and think her name is perfect!!! Her and George are gonna be TOO cute!