My mom and I spent last week in New Jersey visiting my aunt and uncle. It was a great little trip and felt so good to get a change of scenery. We ate a lot (did I mention how GOOD it feels to be able to eat?!). We went to one of our favorite delis where the sandwiches are literally the size of a small child and they have the best pickle bar. I am not even going to pretend I did not pig out. It was glorious.
We had a very eventful driving portion of the trip. My family and I used to make this trip 2-3 times a year (and sometimes still do!) and I have never had a trip this bad. Now believe me, I know it could have been 100x worse, so please read the following with that in mind! To start, I could not help drive any of the (supposed to be) 11 hour trip because my car ended up needing the AC fixed. Yes, I had been driving around in a car with basically no AC for weeks until the people at Nissan could find the leak. Turns out they managed to find it right before we were supposed to leave! That was a bummer because I was looking forward to driving to help with being bored in the car and to give my mom a break. Anyway, we left in the afternoon and were making such good time my mom thought we would be able to drive the whole way through that day. Around 10/11 we hit MASSIVE traffic. Like the three lane highway all had to merge into 1 lane. Then that cleared up and then the same thing happened AGAIN. The second time, we were sitting there and I was flipping through radio stations when we got rear ended. We had already lost a lot of time in the traffic so this pushed it over the edge. Luckily the couple was very nice and there was barely any damage. Still pulling off to the side of the road from the middle lane at 11 o'clock at night in massive traffic on 95 is enough to get to anyone. Once we cleared that up, we decided to stop at a hotel for the night and start fresh in the morning.
The next morning our goal was to leave at 8. Long story short, we ended up staying in the hotel because One Direction was on GMA and they kept saying they were next (as they always do) so I convinced my mom to stay and watch. They were done at 9, so we left shortly after. The ride was going fine until we got into New Jersey. I don't know how many people who read here live in Jersey, so if you don't then you need to know that the Turnpike is the main highway there. That's how you get to most places including the airport and NYC. Sure there are other ways, but that is the most convenient. Well, we kept seeing signs that the turnpike was closed "north of exit 10" but my mom and I both couldn't believe they could shut down the whole turnpike. We were wrong. It turns out a truck flipped over under an overpass and blew up (it was crazy...google it). Long story short, all the back ways were crawling in massive traffic so it look us an extra hour to get to my aunts. It was a disaster. One Direction saved the day though, because if we had left at 8 we probably would have gotten stuck in the traffic on the turnpike when the accident first occurred...some of those people were stuck for 3 hours!
Speaking of One Direction, I did get to see them! It was my fourth time seeing them, but first time in a stadium. It was SUCH a good show! We had really good seats considering we bought them for resale. They put on such an amazing show and the weather was perfect for an outside concert. It was so nice to do a "normal" activity, and I was so happy to feel good enough to go! I stood the entire concert and was basically myself. I have been feeling like myself this last month, but it was still just exciting for me to feel good. They sang all my favorite songs and it was really just such a good night. It was well deserved after my last few months and made me feel ready to conquer the next few! Next time I see them I hope to be totally cancer free and front row :).
We got home Friday, after hitting massive traffic AGAIN. We lost two hours sitting in traffic. Needless to say, we were extremely happy to get home. I was so happy to be reunited with my dogs! And my bed! I love to travel and get away, but I will always be happy to come home!
I don't have much on the agenda for the week. I just plan on embracing my last week before I am down again for awhile. I am getting kind of anxious about surgery. Not so much about the actual procedure, but the recovery. I don't like the idea of not knowing what I will feel like when I wake up from it. I don't know if I will be in a lot of pain or how long it will be before I can get up and go like I am used to. I am probably making it much worse in my head, but that's just what I do. I know it will affect my walking but I am scared it will hurt and a lot and be for awhile. It is basically changing something I have been used to my whole life and that is scary. The doctor said I will not be able to tell once the piece is in there and that the surgery is easier than the chemo, so I am holding onto that. He said stairs shouldn't be an issue, but I am still nervous they will be. I am scared to be really out of commission, like not being able to stand up and walk as usual. I am lucky I know my family will be there to help me, but I do not like depending on people! I am trying not to think about it too much, but I can't help it sometimes.
I am ready to get the surgery over with and power through the rest of the chemo. I want this to be over. Half the time, I still can't believe this is something that happened to me. It is easy to forget when I feel good until I see my bald head in the mirror. It is actually less bald now though! I know all the hair that is currently growing will fall out again, but I have a fair amount on my head! You can tell because my scalp looks darker and you can feel it (so soft!). I have also started shaving again (gonna be completely honest...I did not miss that!). I will be so happy when it starts coming back and I know it will be there to stay! I really miss having hair. I complained a lot about bad hair days, but I would love to have one of those now!
I move into my apartment on Friday. I am planning to go move in and stay at least Friday night, maybe Saturday night too. I am taking it all one day at a time. I am super excited to move in and finally live with my best friends, but I can't help but think about how unfair this crappy situation is. I wish I could be excited about moving in and going back to school. My friends and I signed the lease for this apartment back in like November...I never would have thought I would not be moving in when I should be. I remember shopping with one of my friends last year for our separate apartments and talking about how we couldn't wait to shop for our own apartment this year. We have been shopping, but it really sucks knowing I won't be there like I should be. I plan to visit whenever I can, but it is not going to be the same. Plus, I miss being on my own in my own space. I am sad to be missing out on all the fun things I am used to doing fall semester at school. I miss my school routines. I should be starting the professional program which is when things finally get serious. It just sucks. A lot. I love home, but I liked school too. I am really struggling with this and I am scared moving in is going to be really hard. The last two years I have gotten sad when it comes to leaving home and going back, and I wish that's what I was dealing with this year. It is kind of funny that usually I am sad to leave home, but this year I am sad that I have to come back home! Perspective is a funny thing! It just isn't fair and there's not much else to say about that.
It also sucks for my two best friends who will be living there without me. I haven't talked with them much about it (probably because we would all cry), but it is going to be hard for them too. My stuff will be there, but I won't be. We had all been looking forward to this time and to have it delayed is a bummer. We had TV nights planned and different traditions to start. We will (prayerfully!) have spring semester and then senior year together too, but I hate we have to miss out on this semester.
Not to mention, all my friends will be back at school. This sucks for a number of reasons. They won't be able to come visit me in the hospital or sit with me at my chemo. I have been EXTREMELY blessed with fantastic friends and I am so thankful they have done those things. It is going to SUCK going into those things and knowing they won't be there. I know they will come and see me as much as possible, but it is not going to be the same. I was extremely lucky to start all this during the summer when they were all home so it is going to be weird and hard that they won't be. I am going to miss them so much and will be counting down till all the breaks so they can come home!
This post is getting long and deep, so I will sign off for now. I am sure I will post again before surgery (I have a lot of thoughts and feelings still!). I am still feeling like myself and just enjoying that before going back to the cancer world next week!
Thanks for all the continued love and support...especially next week! I hope everyone is enjoying what is left of summer (no school wise at least...we all know it will be hot until at least October! :) )
Again, I will leave you with some pictures!
“When faced with the scariest of things, all you want to do is turn away, hide in your own invisible place. But you can't. That's why it's not only important for us to be seen, but to have someone to look for us, as well.”
― Sarah Dessen, Saint Anything
Yes, I bought Stanley a Halloween costume in August...but you should see the way he flies around with his cape!
Some pictures from the concert :)
Corn beef from Harold's Deli aka THE BEST
My mom and me before the concert! *side note* I was super excited about that necklace I found to match that dress like two days before we left. When we got to our seats at the concert, I turned my head and it broke! It was such a bummer so I retuned it when we got home!
My mom, my aunt , and me before the show! My aunt lives 30 minutes from Metlife so she graciously offered to drop us off and pick us up!
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