An Updated Thoughts and Feelings

Monday, December 21, 2015

As one can probably imagine, I have tons of emotions regarding the end of my treatment being so near (as in tomorrow). Unless you yourself have experienced this, I am not sure you will understand. I will do my best to share how I feel but, it is definitely complicated.

If you were to look in my brain right now, my thoughts probably look something like this:

**Hooray I finish chemo! I will be able to eat! And brush my teeth! And this will stop hurting! And I will be able to go shopping! I miss shopping. I really want to lighten up my winter wardrobe. I seriously need to clean out my closet before I buy ANYTHING else. Once chemo is done I will have the energy to do that! I really just can't wait to eat. I will never take eating for granted again. How the heck is Christmas in a few days? I am not ready! I didn't even make a list or do any shopping. Probably good because I also haven't made any money since the summer. I miss babysitting. I cannot wait till this is over so I can babysit again. Mouth sores suck my mouth literally is in so much pain. I just want to eat but SO MUCH PAIN. OMG chemo ENDS tomorrow. What am I gonna do. I hope I don't get nauseous. I hope I have the energy to make cupcakes for the clinic people tomorrow. I also hope my mom remembers I want a cookie cake. MY HAIR IS GONNA COME BACK! Gosh cancer sucks so much. Are people really considering voting for Donald Trump? I am so tired. I hope I can walk normally again soon. GOSH my mouth hurts SO BAD. --insert some thought about how attractive Harry Styles is-Stanley is actually the cutest dog ever. We still need a pic of him in front of the tree in his Santa Suit. *already freaking out about scans in January* It is all gonna be good. This is gonna be OVER.  I hope I can work everything out with my school. -CHEMO AND CHRISTMAS!**

Anyway, that is a pretty good summary of my mind at the moment. So many emotions. Obviously, I am SO INCREDBLY BEYOND EXCITED that I get to ring the bell tomorrow and I pray that is the last bit of chemo that EVER enters my body. Once those final side effects are gone I cannot wait to feel like my body is mine again. It feels like it has been forever since March 16, but also in a way it has gone by fast. I am so thankful that I get to be DONE. I just have to figure out where I fit in in the world now.

You see, I am going back to "normal", but it is not the normal I was used to. My mom and I were talking and she put it in a smart way. Before this cancer thing, my biggest thing was a math test. That math test is long over. The world has moved on since March 16, as it should have, I just don't know where I am going back to. I obviously am not going back to March 15. I know I will figure it out, but it is also a little scary. 

Obviously January is going to be a lot of recovery, follow up appts, etc. The world after treatment seems a bit scary! I have had people telling me what to do or where to show up for 9 months and now I will be back on my own. I know I can do it, but the idea is scary. Plus, I have a feeling for awhile every pain or weird thing will freak me out. I know that is normal, but now it is so easy to blame on chemo. My eyes are doing weird things-oh must just be chemo. My skin is really dry-must be chemo. I'm not hungry-must be chemo. What happens when it ISN'T chemo????  It is kinda crazy to think about. You get so immersed in this world (that I thought was scary to join), but now I am kinda scared to leave.

Everyone keeps asking me if I am doing anything to celebrate. At first, I wanted to have a big party, but I am not so sure now. I don't have any plans at all for tomorrow actually. I cannot guarantee how I am going to feel, so I didn't wanna plan anything anyway. Last time I got my outpatient drugs, I actually felt great, but that could change this time. I also feel like it is something that isn't gonna hit me right away. I feel like I am gonna wake up one day in January and then it will hit me. Maybe then I will throw a party or something. I told my mom as soon as my mouth doesn't hurt and I am not nauseous I would like to go out to eat. I also told her I wanted a cookie cake. This is something totally worth celebrating though, so I am sure I will figure something out. 

So this is kind of where my head is at lately. Such a mix of emotions! I am sure I will write more about this as the words come to me. 

I will say leaving the hospital was a lot harder than I thought! Obviously, I could not have been happier to get to leave there for the LAST time, but it was so hard to say bye to all the nurses. I had such awesome nurses and I really love them! I will miss them, but have promise to come visit with snacks! I just hope to never ever be a patient of theirs again (not because they aren't awesome, but you know what I mean). They were all so happy for me which was great to see. I have made some truly awesome friends and I look forward to spending time with them, just outside hospital walls! 

I am sitting at the clinic currently, just waiting to get my chemo. My mouth is literally full of sores, which isn't fun. I just want to eat!! I am praying they go away ASAP and that I never have to deal with them ever again! My mom and I went to see Amy Schumer in Charlotte on Saturday night. It was so fun and nice to be somewhere together that wasn't a hospital! She was hilarious...I could listen to her comedy set for hours! I really rallied though, despite my mouth hurting incredibly and my little hobble walk around the city. I am hoping this chemo doesn't knock me down too much, but have nothing on the calendar for the week! We usually go up north for Christmas, but obviously that isn't happening, so we don't have any plans! It is supposed to be 70, so I told my mom we are gonna turn close the blinds and turn on the heat and pretend it is actually cold! 

I hope you all have a WONDERFUL Christmas Holiday!! If you think about it, please keep everyone fighting cancer in your prayers this holiday. I am SO lucky to be celebrating, but so many others are not. So many are in such awful situations or just stuck in the hospital for Christmas. Cancer is so cruel. I will never understand it. Cancer won't take off just cus it is a holiday. Thank you so much! 

Thank you for all the continued thoughts and prayers! I hope you will keep them up...just cus chemo is over doesn't mean everything just ends. I will still have a lot to deal with emotionally, physically, and mentally. The hardest part will be over, but the road doesn't won't just end! 

Merry, Merry, Christmas to all of you! Sending you so much love! Next time I post I will be DONE with chemo! :)

Never posted about Thanksgiving! We had a FANTASTIC holiday! I as up more on Thanksgiving than I had been in like 9 months haha! But I felt so good and was so happy to have my family here. And look at Stanley and Otto in their matching sweaters :)
Stanley and I went Christmas tree shopping!
Just for comparison, my first High Dose Methotrexate on the left and my LAST on the right :) 

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