Ho, Ho, Ho, I am DONE With Chemo

Where to even start?

I have sat down multiple times to try to figure out what exactly I wanted to say. I am still not sure I am 100% there, but I figured I would give it a shot.

Many of you are probably expecting to hear how I celebrated being done with chemo. Maybe I threw some big party or had a bunch of friends over. Maybe we had some fancy dinner.

The truth is?

I came home Tuesday and had a mental breakdown and then went to sleep. Not as exciting as you probably expected!

Backing up just a bit, Tuesday was a very, very exciting day. I am not disregarding that fact at all. I am SO INCREDIBLY happy to be done, I don't think I can emphasize that enough. We got to the clinic around 9 and the last push of chemo was done by 10 after 11. I got to ring the "all done" bell. Twice actually. Apparently, the nurses did not think I rang it with enough gusto the first time!

The head nurse (I don't exactly know her title, but she does all the coordinating and planning aka the hard stuff) gave me the biggest hug and cried. We ADORE her and we definitely would not have made it through this experience without her. It was extremely touching to see all this people be so happy for me. Of course, I am not leaving you guys out either! All the messages I recieved made my day! I did a terribly crappy job of responding, but I read them all. It is so much more exciting to have good news when you have people to share it with!

After we left the clinic, my mom and I did go to lunch and CVS. I bought a new mascara in preparation for my eyelashes to come back (!!!!!!!) since I haven't worn any in months. It is extremely exciting to think of stuff like that now!

Once we got home, I went a little crazy. I think it was a mixture of so many emotions and exhaustion. It felt like all the emotions of the last 9 months erupted. I haven't had a freak out like that in a long time. I finally just took some nausea stuff and fell asleep.

This may be hard to understand unless you too have experienced it, but there are just so many emotions that come with treatment ending. Obviously I am more thankful than words can express, but it is also overwhelming. I did not want to enter the cancer world, but I did and now I am not sure where to go. For nine months I have had people telling me what to do and where to go, so to be able to look ahead and not have that is (good), but also scary. I am not going back to my "old" life. Sure, I will definitely get back many aspects of it, but it won't be the same. I was and will be determined to not let cancer define me, but I can't just totally forget it happened. I have to figure out a "new/old" normal. I know I will, it is just going to take some time.

I don't think it has hit me yet that it is over. I am still dealing with residual side effects from the last few rounds. My hair is coming in, but it isn't obvious. I didn't leave the clinic on Tuesday and automatically resume my old life. I don't think it will hit me till like February that it is over. Just like we couldn't snap in to the cancer world, we can't just snap out of it either. My body doesn't know it is not about to be bombarded with more chemo, so I am still feeling it. It will be awhile before I feel "normal". So, I am closing the chapter on treatment, but not on cancer entirely.

January will most likely be a month of recovering. I don't think I ever mentioned it, but I am not returning to school. Originally that was all I wanted, but I quickly realized that it wasn't super realistic. I will be taking another online course and may try to get to Columbia later in the spring to finish up some incompletes. Instead, I have plans to find a therapist to talk about everything with. I kind of bottled up all my emotions just to get through this process, but now they are spilling out and I am not above denying my need for help dealing with them. I also already have PT appointments 3 days a week starting in mid-January. While I have made HUGE strides with walking, I still have quite a bit of work to do. I am not sure what my schedule of doctors appointments will be now. I have scans the second week of January and then an appointment following, but I am not sure what happens after that. I have my regular weekly appointment tomorrow, so we may find out then.

I think a lot of people expect that our lives are back to where we left them in March. That is not the case. Yet anyway. I am not saying we will never get there, but it is going to take time. We have to figure out how to navigate the post cancer world. Of course, my family and I would not have made it this far alone, so thank you (those words seem so small in the scheme of things) for walking along side us this long. I hope you will continue to do so! As for this blog, I have no plans of stopping writing. Clearly I already did a poor job of keeping it updated, but I have lots of thoughts and will need a place to write them. Maybe I will write more now that I will actually have some energy!

I feel like there is tons more to say, but I will save that for another day. Chemo is going out with a bang, so I have felt the last few days feeling kinda crappy. Please excuse any typos in this post....I have been taking Phenergen and am currently inbetween naps! I hope you all had a lovely Christmas! I had a nice one...just a relaxing day on the couch doing nothing. I hate when the holiday season is over!

Thank you once again for everything. I am so thankful to be on the road to recovery, no matter how long that road is. I hope you will continue to keep everyone battling in your thoughts and prayers. So many are suffering. Cancer is a horrible, terrible disease. I don't know why I had to go through what I have (still cannot even believe it some days), but I want something good to come of it. I have big ideas, just have to figure out how to execute them!

Sending you all so much love!