Doors

I am not any different than I was before this week. I did not magically develop superpowers that equip me to handle what life has thrown me.

I have been told multiple times that I am strong and that I am handling this much better than some people think they would. I am here to assure you, that is not the case. I was no more prepared for this news than anyone. I think when you get thrust into situations like this, you don't get much of a choice. You can either cry and continue to feel bad for yourself (which I do plenty of) or get ready to fight. And I am ready. I still have lots left to do in this life and I am not going to let anything stop me.

The emotions come in stages. Sometimes I am sad, sometimes I am angry, and other times I am fine. It is strange. It is quite a range of emotions. Yesterday was the first day I drove and was out since before all this. I was fine and it felt nice, but at our last stop I began to feel angry. I was walking around the neighborhood Walmart where I have been thousands of times. I saw all these people and I got mad that their lives hadn't changed like mine had. The world stopped for me (and many others, I know), Monday March 16. I get jealous of people going on with their lives.

Saying it just isn't fair leads me to a whole other thing. Life isn't fair. It is true and this proves it. Many people have also told me that I am the last person on Earth who deserves this. Do I think that I am a nice person who tries to do the right thing as much as possible? Yes. Do I think that being a nice person makes me any less deserving of this than anyone else? No. No one deserves cancer. I would not wish this feeling on my worst enemy. It is turning my life upside down. Frankly, this just sucks.

I have not let myself do the whole "why me" thing. That is just torture and there is no answer, at least on this side of Heaven. Have I asked "why" in general? 100% yes. I just turned 20...the world was just opening up for me. I had 6 weeks left in a semester with some of the hardest classes. I was about to be done with math and science for good. I had turned in my application to the professional program. I was making plans for summer. I just try not to spend so much time on the "why". It is useless. I have always believed that everything happens for a reason, and while I am still trying to believe that, I am struggling.

I had my scans on Wednesday, but have yet to hear results. I had the biopsy today. That was the worst thing so far. I was out (conscious sedation) and pretty drugged up. I spent the majority of the day on the couch sleeping. Not exactly my favorite Friday. My leg is sore, but should feel better tomorrow. One more thing down and off my list. Baby steps!

Yesterday I felt extremely good and didn't even cry once. I was able to get out of the house and see one of my best friends. Having my aunt here has been fantastic as well. I am not going to lie though, today was rough. I think part of it really hit me today while in the hospital. I hate hospitals. I have never had surgery minus oral surgery so this is a whole new world for me. I wanna go back to school. I don't want this. I am good like 95% of the time, but like I said today was rough.

I am not going to end on a sad note as there are still so many good things. I have continued to receive such amazing support from my family and friends. Seriously, I don't know how I got so lucky. I am thankful for nausea medication because after my biopsy I felt so awful. They were able to give me something that not only made me feel better, but knocked me out. Yay modern medicine! I am thankful for kind nurses and doctors who make scary things not so scary. Seriously y'all, nurses are so overlooked. I have been fortunate to have nothing but wonderful experiences. I want to bake them all cookies (and eventually I will). I am thankful that it sounds like I should be able to work something out with my professors so this semester won't be a total waste. Although I could keep going, I am especially thankful that I will get to see my three best friends tomorrow. I can't wait!

I promise to update everyone when I get results back. I am kinda thinking that no news is good news or at least not urgent news. I don't have anything scheduled now until next Thursday so I plan on just trying to embrace my new normal.

Thanks everyone again for all the continued support and love. I am really feeling it all! I also wanna apologize for any typos or grammatical errors. I have been on a lot of medicine today and am exhausted, but I wanted to write. I feel better after I get stuff out!

I am going to end with a quote from an episode of Modern Family we watched tonight. I am not kidding when I say I am so thankful for that show! It never fails to bring laughs, even when we have seen the episode 200 times (which we have!).

"I've always seen life like a series of doors. Sometimes you get to choose the door you go through, and sometimes you don't get that choice. But you still have to walk through it. So either you can go through kicking and screaming or walk through with your head held high."