I do feel extremely positive and encouraged. The first thing out of the doctor's mouth was that the end goal of this treatment is to cure me. I should be fine after this. He called it a blip on the radar. A crappy one, but a blip nonetheless. I am extremely grateful for that. Seriously. I know it could be worse, and while I never thought worse, it is good to know that another doctor thinks the same. I'm gonna be fine, but it is just going to take a little bit to get there.
I don't know what I am going to do about school. Things are still up in the air there, but something will work out. It kind of depends on a lot of things.
The side effects of chemo are crappy. No way around that. Nausea and fatigue are the main two, which thankfully there are lots of good medicine for nausea! The doctor encouraged me to keep up with my life as normal as much as possible. I am going to have lower immunity, but he said it shouldn't be anything some normal hand washing won't take care of. I will be free to hang out with anyone or go anywhere when I am not in the doctor's office!
I will be spending a lot more time in the hospital/doctors than I am used to. I am not a person who is sick. I have had the flu once. I get sinus infections occasionally, but I have never even had a surgery. This is a whole new thing for me and it sucks. It just doesn't make sense.
The word sick is something I have been thinking about lately too. Am I sick currently? I guess. Cancer is a sickness. Do I feel sick? NOT AT ALL! I feel fine. Minus the knee pain, I couldn't feel better. That's why this is all so weird. It is still easy for me to ignore what is happening as long as I am not going to appointments. I think I ignore it so when reality hits, it hits hard.
I know I am not going to be able to ignore it for too much longer. I will lose my hair. That is sad to me for a number of reasons. I take a lot of pride in my hair. Am I always happy with it? No. I have been trying to grow it out and it is finally getting long. I have started using nice hair products. I am scared to lose it. I know it isn't going to change anything, but it is. It is going to be a reminder and I don't want it. I don't want people to treat me or look at me like I am sick. I know that it is just a part of it, but I don't want it. I don't feel sick and I don't wanna look sick.
Chemo is going to make me feel sick. I think it is funny that the treatment for this disease makes you sicker than the actual disease (in my case anyway). Chemo has a lot of crappy side effects. I really like my doctor and I feel confident that he is covering all his bases. Still, freezing eggs is not something I ever thought I would have to think about at 20 years old, but here I am. They are going to be continuously monitoring my counts, heart, and kidney function. The doctor said I am in a good place since I am only 20 and otherwise healthy, but it is still important to keep an eye.
I am still wishing I could wake up from this nightmare. I didn't realize how long this process actually is. It just hit me today and I am angry. I don't know why this is happening. I'm just mad. I wanna go back to my life a month ago. It just sucks and there isn't really anything else to say. #$@$ cancer.
I don't want to sound ungrateful or anything, but I need to vent too. I am extremely grateful for my doctors and modern medicine. I am going to be fine. I've just been dealt a crappy card and slowly I am dealing with it. I honestly don't know where I would be without my family and friends. The support I have continued to get has been incredible. I only hope that everyone who faces something like this has people like I do around them. Every message, thought, prayer, etc is felt and is appreciated. You are all honestly amazing and it means the world.
It is not a bad life, just a bad day or a bad part of a day. I had a canvas in my room previously that said "everyday may not be good, but there is something good in everyday". My goal is to find something good in everyday. I will. The good is still there, and as long as it is there I will find it.
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