Anyone who knows me knows I don't do well with change. Even the smallest change throws me for a loop. I have been lucky to have a pretty stable life. I moved once when I was 7, but other than that there hasn't been anything drastic. Until now.
I feel like the life I had before was rudely ripped away from me. I was not prepared at all. That Monday I went to class and drove to the doctor, I never expected to not be going back. I am angry. I want that back. I miss my tiny little apartment. I miss my routines I had there. I am a pretty independent person and I thrive on routines. Coming back home, I lost that. I love being home, but I miss the life I had before. I miss watching Tuesday night shows with my friends. I miss random movie nights with my roommates. This freaking sucks.
I decided I lost a part of my identity that Monday. I know this sounds a little intense, but hear me out. Thankfully, I have always been healthy. Sure I got sick here and there, but it wasn't anything an antibiotic couldn't fix. I eat pretty healthy (usually) (and especially for a college kid). I haven't even had a cavity since I was little. Being healthy has always been part of me, and now it isn't and I don't know what to do. This is why this whole thing just makes no sense. I would like to think I did not take it for granted. I always saw stories of people who were sick and I really tried to be thankful for my health. I know that doesn't guarantee nothing will ever happen, but it has be questioning the reason for all this.
I am having a really hard time looking at pictures lately. I need to clean out my iCloud storage, but going through the pictures made me sad. I look at all the pictures I took where I didn't know what was coming. I was so happy. Not that I am unhappy now, but I was a different person in those pictures. I sometimes wonder if I will ever get back to that person. I know I will, but I wasn't ready to say goodbye to her. I have a had a nice several days. Then today, all the feelings I haven't felt came crashing at full force. I have been saying it all comes in waves. The last couple days the waves have been calm and peaceful, today though, there would be a red flag on the beach. The waves are powerful and mean today.
I want to go back to school. I want to finish the semester and come home. I want to spend the summer nannying two of my favorite kids like I have for years. This is my favorite time of year. I love the events the spring and beginning of summer include. I love the feeling of finishing a whole semester and coming home to relax. I am angry that I won't get that this year. The only bright side to this timing is that it is nice out. The nice weather always makes me feel better. I wish it could make me better. And at least my friends will be home for the summer soon.
I am trying not to take this out on my family, but I am angry. I am sad. I don't want this to be my life. I should be scheduling fun trips for the summer. I shouldn't have to think about "well I hope I will feel well enough to go" or "I hope I won't be having chemo that day". I know this is the ever popular saying, but it just isn't fair. I am just struggling with that right now.
Not to end on a sad note, here are some good things lately.
Once again, the support I have gotten is amazing. I know some people run when things get bad, but I am so thankful I have not run into that. Two of my best friends, Katie and Laura, have driven home from Columbia every weekend to see me. I know that drive sucks, so it means so much for them to do that. A special shoutout to Katie for bringing me my clothes from my apartment (which if you know my closet, is no small feat). My other best friend Evan has also been awesome. Although she is more local, she has taken the time away from school and everything she has going on to come hang out with me too. My aunt dropped everything she has going on to come down that first week. My cousins are coming down in 10 days. I have gotten numerous surprises in the mail. Each thing means so so so much to me. Besides that, I have had COUNTLESS offers. I don't want people to think I am forgetting them or anything. I am sure as I get further along in this process, I will be calling on you! Let me wear out those that have no choice but to love me first :).
A very exciting thing happened yesterday. I got home from lunch and some errands with my mom. I had a package from an address that we did not recognize. I opened it up to find a ton of One Direction Merch. There was no note attached, so I posted on Facebook to see if anyone could would come forward. It turns out, Katie's dad emailed a lady at One Directions management company. If you know me at all (probably even if you don't!) you know I am a HUGE fan of theirs, and have been pretty much since the beginning. Her dad emailed and told them what has been going on and asked if it would be possible to send me an autographed picture. Well, they sent much more than that.
That would be a t-shirt, a tank top, the booklet for their last tour (which I went to! Twice!), 2 chapstick/sunscreens, a watch, and a vinyl of the Midnight Memories single.
To say I was shocked was an understatement. Did I mention that shirt is SIGNED?! We weren't sure at first, but after I got the details, it was confirmed! HARRY STYLES TOUCHED THAT SHIRT Y'ALL! We went and got a shadow box for it today...I am guarding that thing with my life! Especially after the recent events! You have probably seen the news recently that Zayn left the band. It has been a rough week, and if I hadn't just experienced the last few weeks of my own life, I would probably be a bit more broken up. Anyway, that shirt is basically a relic now because it has Zayn's signature. I will forever be grateful for Katie and her family for all they have done. This was SO incredible and I will somehow figure out a way to thank them!!!! Love y'all :) I never thought I would be on the receiving end of such kindness.
So, it is a mixture. Bad moments are bound to happen, but it is hard to dwell in them when there is so much love around. As I said in my last post, life is still good. Hard at times, but good.
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