I Miss

In no particular order:

I miss being able to get myself out of bed in the morning and go downstairs and get breakfast.

I miss being able to get dressed and get in my car and go to stores.

I miss Target.

I miss being able to go into the kitchen to get myself food.

I miss being able to walk, anywhere.

I miss being able to get up and down the stairs easily.

I miss having hair with any length.

I miss being able to take a normal shower.

I miss not having to worry about simple colds and low grade fevers.

I miss not having to go spend however many days in the hospital.

I miss not being exhausted (and I don't mean sleepy exhausted...I mean physically).

I miss not waking up in the middle of the night due to either leg pain or not being able to move it.

I miss not having the giant scar down the middle of my leg.

I miss being able to put the dogs out.

I miss my old appetite and tastebuds.

I miss shopping (of all kinds...especially grocery).

I miss being at school on my own.

I miss my friends.

I miss our Friday night yogurt or Chipotle traditions.

I miss babysitting.

I miss not being nauseous 3/4 of the time.

I miss not having countless doctors appointments.

I miss not having a port in my chest.

I miss driving.

I miss being able to be helpful and independent.

I miss my clothes fitting the way they should.

I miss it not being painful to brush my teeth.

I miss not having to use a walker or crutches or a wheelchair just to do simple daily tasks or go to a store.

I miss my old life.

I don't really mean this post to be depressing, but just honest. I've had an emtionally rough few days (I'm sure the gray, rainy weather doesn't help), and I've (stupidly) spent a lot of time thinking of all this. I've gotten some e-mails about school stuff and I think the season change in general is throwing me off. I just realized I missed the 6 month mark since diagnosis, which seems significant, but I was probably too nauseous to realize at the time. Half a year...I never knew time could pass so slowly yet so fast at the same time. I know I will get a lot of it back, but that thought currently doesn't help me. This too shall pass, I know. Each day is one day closer to the end, which does mean something.

Not to say there hasn't been any good these last few days, because there has. There always is and please don't think for a second I ever forget that. Like I have said before, I am good 99% of the time but I do have my 1% days.

I have a doctors appointment and PT Wednesday then go into the hospital Thursday for my next round of chemo. Can't say I am looking forward to it, but hoping it is short lived and will be happy to cross it off.

Thanks for all the love and prayers. Cancer sucks. I hope everyone has a great weekend!