My excitement quickly disappeared once I went to get dressed. I was going to wear real clothes (aka not Nike shorts and a t-shirt) since I was going to be in public. Unfortunately the cool weather we were having while I was stuck in bed decided to leave and the high was 84. As if I am not over my summer wardrobe simply because it is almost OCTOBER, I have reached the point that none of my shorts fit.
I hobbled over to my closet and picked out an outfit I thought was cute and made me feel good. I put my shorts on first and got so discouraged. They are huge. Before I go further, I know weight can be a sensitive topic so please don't read into this post that much. I like to share things honestly, so this is just something I am sharing as it is part of this "journey". I have lost A LOT of weight. I am talking like 30 pounds. I was weighed at the doctor today and it was the lowest it has been. I need to put at least 10 pounds on. It was definitely not all bad, but I really really really don't want to lose anymore. I really do my best to eat, but it is so hard when you are nauseous or your mouth hurts or your tastebuds are gone. Plus it doesn't help that sweet stuff is totally unappealing and my teeth are super sensitive so ice cream is not fun to eat. I know I need to eat just to get calories, but it is so hard.
Anyway, back to this morning. I was extremely discouraged by my jean shorts sliding on without even having to button them. Then I looked in the mirror and I am just so unhappy with the way I look. I do not look like myself at all. I look super skinny and my hair is a mess. It is completely gone on the left side and back, but I still have some on the top and right side. This is the point many people would probably shave it, but I still don't feel like that is something I want to do. It is just not me. I don't recognize myself and I certainly don't feel pretty.
I know it looks worse to me than to other people. I just hate that the people I meet and will meet in the future won't get to see what I think I look like. I don't think I look like this, which is why when I do look in the mirror, it scares me. I promise I am not asking for compliments, I just need to share how I feel.
I ended up putting on a dress and a scarf, a decently cute outfit. I did get a lot of compliments at the doctor's office, which made me feel a little better. I had a good appointment too. Both my doctor and nurse keep telling me how close I am to finishing, and while I know that, it feels good to hear it coming from them.
After the doctor, my mom and I went to lunch. We ended up one of those awkward things where we had too much time to go straight PT, but also not enough time to actually do anything (especially considering how long it takes me simply to get to and from the car!). We ended up being early to PT (a first!), and he worked me really hard today. My knee is in a lot of pain! It is all good pain, but not really that fun. He said my range of motion is pretty perfect and I am able to bend my leg like normal again (to the same degree). I can also stand on my bad leg if I lean on something! That was a new development. I still have a ways to go before I am walking independently again, but progress is being made!
Even though it had already been a busy day, my mom and I made our way to Kohls and Target. I had to check out Lauren Conrad's Runway collection and I had a coupon, so of course nothing was in my size. I am about to go online because I have a 10 rewards coupon that expires tonight and that would be basically throwing money away, so we can't let that happen!
Next we went to my home away from home, Target. I was in my wheelchair because it had already been a long day and that is simply a lot of walking. We took our time browsing. While we were looking at pjs, this lady walks by us then backs up. She said "excuse me, I just wanted to tell you that no matter what you are going through you are still beautiful" and then she emphasized it a few more times. I was so stunned, so all I could say is thank you (and I totally teared up).
Here this lady was just minding her own business in Target. She had no idea that this morning, I was struggling with this very thing (which I notice many days, but this day was especially bad). It made me think a lot about how come everyone doesn't do this everyday?? How much better would the world be if we could all be kind? Who doesn't need to hear something like that everyday? To know this lady took time from her own day to make mine makes me wanna cry all over. I wish I had seen her again. I would have bought her groceries or a candy bar or something. She has made my day.
Not to mention, this lady was not your typical looking Target shopper. She was someone I am sure has been judged before because of the way she looked or dressed. That makes me so sad. I am not going to say I don't judge anymore (because everyone does), but I do catch myself now. You never know what someone is going through. I have never been stopped in a store like this before and I would never have expected this lady to stop. You really cannot judge a book by its cover.
This totally proves Target is indeed the best store ever. Good things happen there! I think I need to definitely go there as much as possible :). We also got Stanley a new cape and a dinosaur costume (thank you dollar section). I haven't gotten pictures yet, but I promise to share when I do!
I plan to pay her kindness forward (and all the kindness I have been shown). The world is a dark and scary place, we should all spend more time being nice.
While I still am struggling with my looks, it really made my day to hear from a stranger. I just cannot wait to get the "me" I know back. And in the meantime, the temperature drops tomorrow so leggings it will be (I am assuming those still fit!).
It started out as a rough day, but is ending on a high note. I am glad, since I will be stuck in the hospital a lot in the coming days. Hoping they are as short a stay as possible! 
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