The other night my family and I watched The Theory of Everything. It was a great movie (maybe a bit too sad), but otherwise good. Not in any way comparing the ALS to what I'm dealing with, but it was just crazy to see how fast he deteriorated. I have been handed a lot of unfortunate news, but I cannot imagine being told that I would lose the ability to talk and walk. It is kinda crazy how you get this new perspective.
It got me thinking how the heck our bodies just fail us. Fail is a slightly dramatic word, but you get the point. I had a check up in December and I was declared perfectly fine. How the heck did this happen?! Was the cancer in my leg then too? And how the hell did I get cancer?? I've never had anything worse than the flu before. I eat well, try to use natural type products when I can, and take care of myself. No one in my family gets sick. People in my family live forever without ever getting sick. How did this happen!?
Sometimes thinking of the how distracts me from thinking of the why. I know I have said before asking that is pointless, but I can't help it. It is an automatic reaction. Why is this happening to me?! No one has a good answer. I honestly cannot come up with anything.
I just got a call from the chemo doctor (I'll call him Dr. B for future reference). My biopsy came back positive, as expected, for osteosarcoma. While I expected this, now I have to actually accept it. I haven't been able to say "I have cancer" out loud. I know it is happening but I can't believe it. I have a meeting tomorrow with Dr. P (the orthopedic oncologist) to discuss the biopsy. Dr. B said the news doesn't change anything, just allows us to go forward, but prayers for a good meeting tomorrow are appreciated!
I have an appointment next week with a counseling lady from the Cancer Society here in Greenville. I know I have plenty of family and friends who I can talk to (and I will), but my mom and I both thought it would be good for me to talk to someone outside the situation with experience in the field. I either feel fine or I am curled up on the couch balling my eyes out. There are a lot of programs out there to help, so I am definitely going to start taking advantage of them.
I know everyone wants to come visit and help. I sincerely appreciate and plan on taking everyone up on those offers. I just need to slowly expand my circle. I know everyone feels better after they see me. Right now, I have 0 symptoms. I am still having that weird knee pain when I bend, but that is literally it. I am running, walking, etc all fine. I don't feel sick or look any different. Once treatment starts and I begin to process what is happening, I am sure I will want visitors. Please don't be offended or think I don't want to see you! I just need to remain in my little bubble for now. Please feel free to text or message me! You can call, but I'm gonna be honest and say I am not great at talking on the phone.
Needless to say, this is not at all how I imagined I would be spending the end of my sophomore year and my summer. I am completely bummed. What the heck happened?! One minute I was stressed about an upcoming math test, and now here I am dealing with all of this.
Tomorrow I have a PET scan then that meeting with Dr. P. Thursday I don't have any appointments, but my cousins are coming (!!!!)! I am so excited for them to be here! Then Friday I get my port put in. It is just a minor outpatient procedure. Next Wednesday I have an appointment with the reproductive specialist to talk about freezing my eggs. I am not sure when chemo will start, but my guess would be either the end of next week or the week following. The first chemo drugs are the outpatient ones, I think the one that requires hospitalization isn't till the third week.
Thank you again for all the thoughts, prayers, love, and support! Please keep them coming... they are working, but we have a long road ahead! Currently, just pray it continues not to spread, it responds well to the treatment, and for a good meeting tomorrow! I will be sure to update at least on Facebook sometime tomorrow.
This is not an adventure I would have picked, but here I go anyway. Everyday is one day closer to getting to put this behind me (which I will and I am already planning the massive party for when this is all over!)! Like I said when I first found out, at least now I will have an interesting fact to share about me during all those "getting to know you" type things that happen! I may have cancer, but cancer does not have me!
I know most of you are on Facebook, but for those who aren't here is a picture of me and my brother on Easter!
So much love to all of you! (also I bought cute thank you notes, fun pens, and new address labels so I can tackle my running list of people to thank! I am slowly starting to work on those!)
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