Ready to Roll

First some updates:

Today I got my lupron shot and had my chemo orientation. The shot was quick and pretty painless so that was a relief. It turns out I will get the shot once a month (it is a lower dose and works out better). I got a call today from the fertility doctor with the results of a blood test they do to see how many eggs you have. The higher the number the more eggs you have. My number was 6.74 or something, which the lady said was excellent. They really just hope that it is over 1! So that is great news and hopefully they hang on and the lupron will be successful in protecting them!

The orientation went well, I guess. No new information really, it just doesn't get any easier to hear. Some of the side effects are scary, but luckily those are rare and we pray they don't happen to me! I also received a multitude of prescriptions to keep on hand. Many will help with the nausea, one is numbing cream for when they access my port, and one is an antibiotic. They also put me on some medicine that is supposed to counteract some of the side effects of the lupron. For someone who doesn't take more than an occasional ibuprofen or mucienx, it is kind of overwhelming.

So chemo starts Monday at 8am. I believe it takes four hours or so. Then Tuesday I will go again at 8am for the second drug. I then have a 3 week break and then I will have the inpatient treatment. I will be in the hospital the two weeks following the break for that (not for 2 straight weeks...I should get to come home in between!). That is basically the pattern it follows. Assuming that goes according to plan, I am looking at surgery sometime the very end of June or early July. I apologize if that makes no sense, I am still trying to understand it!

People keep asking me if I am nervous. Not really. I mean, I am not excited, but I don't know if nervous is the right word. I want it to start so it can end. I am prepared to feel like crap. I know it is not going to be fun. Will there be good moments? Absolutely. It is just going to be a change...but it is temporary and that is what I have to keep telling myself.

I am not going to lie, this week has been rough emotionally. I have cried a lot. I just feel like I haven't even processed that this is actually freaking happening. I am so mad. How did this become my life!? A really really good family friend said it sometimes feels like I am a visitor to my life. I had not been able to put it into words, but that is exactly it. I keep getting glimpses of my life before all this and then reality comes back crashing down. I had plans and things to do. I did not need this.

I have come to realize that even though I will get back to my old life, it won't be the same. I am not just going to seamlessly flow back into my life before this. I will be a semester behind in school. The way the professional program works, it just has to happen that way. I am angry. I know a semester is nothing in the long run, but I won't get to be in classes with my friends or graduate when they all do. I am a good student. I get good grades and I only skip class when I absolutely have to. It just leads me back to the question of "why is this freaking happening?!"

I know I will get it back, but I am losing a bit of my freedom and "me". I don't know how to be a sick person. I am very independent and love to go and do on my own schedule. I won't have that for awhile. I will have to worry about counts and doctors appointments and hospitalizations. It isn't fair. This is just going to be a temporary change, but it sucks. I just keeping thinking of how good last summer was and how I am not getting that this year. The whole situation just sucks.

On a brighter note, tomorrow my mom and I are going to get passport pictures taken. I wanted to make sure to get one taken before my hair falls out. Next summer, my mom and I are going to Paris, London, and Bruge on a trip with my high school french teacher turned friend (family really at this point!) I am have never been out of the country so I am SO excited! We had signed up to go before all this happened so now it is going to be my big reward for going through all this. This summer may suck, but next summer will (prayerfully) more than make up for it!

I have also purchased several hats/large headbands. The hair thing seems kinda small at the moment, but I know it is going to be hard once it starts happening. Thankfully they make super cute hats so it will just be a new fashion accessory for the time being! The doctor also recommend a wig place to us, so we plan on checking that out as well. As the little boy I have babysat/nannied for several years said when he was told I am going to lose my hair "she is still going to be Fefa!" Kids are seriously the best...and he is right! My hair may be going places, but I am not!

I was pretty upset leaving the doctor today (just overwhelmed really) so I managed to talk my mom into a mall trip. I was able to pick up some cute PJs to wear when I am in the hospital or feel crappy at home.  I have a feeling my collection will only grow over the course of the next 6 months!

So that is it for this week really. I am going to embrace feeling like myself and do all the errands I won't be able to do next week (Target may go broke without my weekly business!).

I have a feeling the blog may have a lot more action in the coming weeks, so I am going to go ahead and apologize for that haha! I want to update and I am not going to sugarcoat anything. If you are not FB friends with me, feel free to add me. Sometimes when I don't feel like writing, I post short updates on there!

This is so not what I expected to be doing at this point in my life, but here we go. Thank you again for all the love and support, kind words, prayers, etc. I am eternally grateful to you all! Keep them coming!! The hardest part is about to start...but the sooner it starts the sooner it ends! What a fabulous day that will be...

Love to you all! And good luck to all my college friends finishing their semester! Hurry up and come home so you can keep my sick self company. Finals suck but things could be worse ;). Humor is necessary at all times!

P.S. Loved hearing/reading all the things everyone did for Sweet 16!! I have big plans for this to be a monthly thing! Thanks again for all the love and support...yall are amazing!